Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
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I didn’t realize how much of parenting is yelling “It’s not a touchscreen!”
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
On second thought this “Thug’s Life” tattoo probably shouldn’t have been done in Comic Sans.
Funny women are smart. Be careful.
[Russian class]
Um, why did I fail this test?
Teacher: You just wrote in English and added “ski” to the end of the words…
I knowski.
My latest business venture is not-for-profit, apparently.
I remember when rollercoasters were fun, not a daily emotional existence.
candy corn tastes like it has already been chewed
*seductively peels off lederhosen
You kids and your fancy Google searches. This World Book Encyclopedia got me through all six years of high school.
I’ll never forget my 8th grade teacher. She was a 12-foot snake monster. Had 4 heads. Ate 7 desks. Killed a kid. Really made an impression.
Witch: [cursing me] you will get hit in the head with a basketball everyday
Me: whatever
[next day, watching game]
Announcer on TV: and it looks like he missed the shot so bad the ball left the stadium
Me: what
[theres a knock on the door]
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
My five-year old grandson responded, “Not again!” when I asked if he’d like chicken nuggets, because a year ago we had chicken nuggets.
[yelling from the trunk of my kidnapper’s car] anytime u want to talk about poor boundaries i’m ready
If you can tell from my eye contact at the grocery store that I’m inviting you to race shopping carts, you’re my kinda people.
Bouncer: ID please
Me: I got socks for Christmas
Bouncer: …okay
Me: and I’m genuinely happy about it
Bouncer: so sorry come on in
My lunch consisted of taste-testing 30 opened bags of chips in the pantry for freshness.
[First day as a plumber]
Boss: What’s wrong?
Me: *tearing up* This is nothing like Mario.
If you love someone, let them go.
If they don’t come back, get a dog.
Coffee can’t solve all of my problems, but it can reduce the criminal charges for the future.
Me: *reciting passage from The Satanic Bible*
Them: You idiot, what have you done? You WOKE the devil!
Lucifer: Intestines are just water slides for your poop
having children is great because just when you’re on the brink of insanity from overstimulation one of them will launch into an hour long educational session on pokemon
How old were you when you learned Red Velvet is a type of chocolate cake…?
I was today years old.
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
My parents watched my toddler for an hour today. When we got back they filled us in on the tantrum filled nightmare they’d just experienced, then hugged each other in solidarity and said “thank god we don’t do that every day”
Moments like these are when I ask for money.
Husband: *passes hearing test* Please tell my wife that I failed.
Me: [from the waiting room]
I heard that!