Girlfriend: *reading beautiful love poem in German*
Me: STOP YELLING AT ME
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Women love to say “sexy AF”
or “hot AF” on Twitter ….If I’d known being in the Air Force
was that hot…I’d have stayed in !
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
I only treason on days ending in y
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
cat: so how u been
me: well, kinda been depressed about work and traffic was-
cat: [presses paw to my lips] lol shut up I don’t care feed me
Most people don’t think I’m as old as I am until they hear me stand up.
Coworker: can I tell you something but don’t tell anyone else?
Me: I already forgot the question.
Misery loves company,
and apparently that’s why my parents invite me over every Thanksgiving weekend.
Thoughts and prayers for my dog. The mail carrier showed up today like she does everyday.
My wife bought chocolate covered cashews and told me don’t eat all of them. That’s like my wife buying chocolate covered cashews and telling me don’t eat all of them.
I think the cat got the dog high.
do you think that when our civilization falls, future archaeologists will find all those ‘guy ate here!’ signs and think that guy fieri was our emperor
From my 12yr old: “My mama so scary she went into a haunted house and came out with a Job application”
The projected sales figur-
*phone buzzes*
the proj-
*buzzes again*
*checks phone*
Excuse me for a moment gentelmen I’m being owned online
If we got paid for how many tweets we put out, some of you would be millionaires in mansions.
I’d be living in Government Assisted Housing.
Having a dramatic falling out with somebody is so embarrassing .. people will be like “what happened” and now you have to sound like a 7-year-old
Pro tip: When quickly pulling into your garage to avoid your neighbor be sure your garage door is all the way up.
My college roommate made a student film about a guy’s life falling apart from drugs. A neighbor saw the baking soda lines on the Frankenstein poster in my room. She whispered, “Is Jake ok? Now I know why he looks so strung out.” “It’s fine, he’s just an engineering student.”
There’s black ice out there. Walk slowly with a wide stance while crouching and keep your arms away from your body for balance. I’m not sure if it will keep you safer but it’s funny to think about you walking that way.
I tell people “I’m here to raise awareness” because I successfully spliced a werewolf and the lochness monster.
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
[girl at a restaurant starts choking on her food]
me: [to the waitress] I’ll have what she’s having 😉
respect that the little drummer boy showed up empty handed and said here’s some noise
(Ok don’t let her know ur Jesus)
Girl: Meet my dad
*they shake hands*
*Dad stands up from wheelchair*
Dad: It’s a miracle!
Jesus: *facepalm*
I just farted & my dog looked at me like i asked her a calculus question
DR. FRANKENSTEIN: I’m just saying, it’s a very misleading flyer
BODY BUILDING COMPETITION JUDGE: again, we can only apologise
Restaurant chain commercials should run the disclaimer “Actual food might not tumble and splash in slow motion”.
Next time you yawn in front of me i’m gonna chuck a peanut m&m down your throat.
I don’t mean to brag, but I don’t need to buy a new Tamagotchi. The one I got in 1997 is not only still alive, but it’s healthier than I am.