With 8 coupons I watched my grocery bill go from $301.57 to $299.37. Man, what a rush.
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It’s like nobody at this Bed Bath and Beyond appreciates me taking intimate selfies on every bed so I can decide which comforter brings out my natural beauty.
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
me: are you ready for halloween?
friend: yes!
me: omg your haunted ghost monkey is so realistic
friend: that’s my newborn baby *bursts into tears*
When I was a kid, my mum used to run a dating site for chickens. She did whatever she could to make hens meet.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
You know that pain which starts at your hip, runs down your leg, out the front door,and goes across the street to the bus stop… I’ve that.
You big beautiful cup of coffee.
Come here and tell me lies of how much I will tolerate my coworkers and how much I’ll get accomplished today.
Finally
met a guy in the produce section, but once i saw his super healthy cart i said Kale No
why do marvel movies need 3 hours to accomplish what the powerpuff girls did in 11 minutes
I forgot to buy sacrificial goats for the eclipse on Monday (stupid!!) but then I remembered I can just log into this app and find an unlimited supply of virgins.
I hate when people call and say they’re 10 minutes away for a “drop-by surprise visit” and I have to set fire to my house.
There’s never enough good news
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
HAHA! Answer your phone silly. I called you like 18 times.
-I say as I climb through your window
if you watch Titanic from d back; it’s about dead people resurrecting from the sea, pulling up a ship fixing it and sailing to England
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
NEIGHBOR: What’s up?
ME {stacking crates}: I’ve enough donuts to last a month
NEIGHBOR: So all ready for the hurricane?
ME: The what now?
Baby is your name pasture because you reek of pure bullshit
If Elsa could bring snow to life why didn’t she make herself some pets? I’d have like 50 snowcats by now.
Nobody has ever partied as hard as skeletons in a cemetery in a 1930s cartoon. Using their heads as bongos. Doing cartwheels.. Letting one skelly use a broom to sweep them up into a big bone pile. The Euphoria kids could never
Me: …so long story short, what I’m saying is, it either has to be a talking goat, OR a monkey who doesn’t talk, but understands my every word.
Genie: That’s it, no more wishes for you
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
School district says no pajamas for online classes
What are you gonna do, send them home?
*quietly tries to open a bag of chips during a bank robbery*
[doctor’s]
INVISIBLE MAN: Am I cured doc?
DR: Your tests are all clear
IM: Is that good?
DR: [talking to wrong empty chair] I’m not sure
i dont care if people dislike me, but if a pet ignores me, i will hit them up nonstop & keep changing my look drastically until they love me