my kid wanted me to play but i was tired so i told her to make a friend so she drew a face on a balloon and named him green greevy and now i have to get him snacks too and thats how i got played by a four year old
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Stop letting your dogs piss on fire hydrants. Some of us use those for parkour.
I like my coffee like I like my beaches, Brazilian.
Select the reason for canceling your order:
◽️Item(s) would not arrive on time
◽️Need to change shipping address
☑️ I was drunk
* on a date snuggling *
Me: Did you enjoy dinner?
Her: Yeah, but now I feel fat.
Me: Get your hands off my belly.
Pretty certain that wife and I would win the gold in the Olympic event of rage loading the dishwasher
My dad caught me smoking meat once and forced me to smoke an entire pack of pork chops. Now I run a successful butcher shop, thanks Dad.
I like to say “good morning” to older people after 1pm & watch their face burn with the hate fire of a thousand suns for me & my generation.
My kid is playing Santa and told me to pretend to sleep, and I’m just glad he finally came up with a game I can win
all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
Acronyms got me like WTF?
*Opens Facebook, closes Facebook
*Opens Insta, closes Insta
*Opens twitter, doesn’t sleep for 3 days
if *I* were a baby with no appointments or responsibilities, I would simply not wake up at 5.45am
lmaaaaaooooooooo
My neighbors got so weird when I asked how many bodies they thought were buried in their yard. I meant roughly, not like an exact number.
“Don’t put it on my plate if you don’t want me to eat it!”
– me to my kid, who’s crying because I ate the playdoh burger he put on my plate
Sperm: hey
Egg: hi
Fallopian Tube: ugh get a womb u two
big news! i finally finished paying off the latte i bought in November with financing
financial freedom is alive and well
Back in the good old days, we didn’t have to trim our toenails they just got wore down naturally from running from dinosaurs
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
The enema of your enema is your friend!
~ Autocorrect wisdom
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
“Sorry to bother you at home,” I say, climbing out of your bathtub
Friend: do you regret becoming a father?
Me: no way. I wouldn’t trade it for anything in the world.
Friend: you want the rest of my fries?
Me: touché…*mouth full of fries* touché.
Welcome to your 40s, your favorite songs are on the radio again. They call it classic rock now, but still.
Ladies, have you ever slept with a man because he has a big fish that he caught in his profile picture?
Most people like a little something to remember you by.
Skidmarks going out of the driveway isn’t one of those things.
Oh no Baby Hitler is trending did he die or something
I just want to be as carefree as the parents who opt for the light interior color options in their cars.