all my 5 year old is getting for Christmas is a couple free iPad games because i told him they cost a million dollars and he’s an idiot
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Me: Thanks for taking the time
Interviewer at Facebook: Sure, let me start by telling you something about yourself
Do you really think cats would have anything to do with us if they could open cans of cat food by themselves?
From my experience, the worst thing you can say at the end of a date is, “That’ll do, pig.”
I got 50 ghost emojis from a dude on a dating app once because I said I didn’t think we had much in common after a couple dates. I don’t think that’s how ghosting works, pal.
When you run the vacuum cleaner 9 or 10 times over something that won’t suck up so you pick it up to inspect it and it’s the cat.
Ok, don’t panic… If we hold the North and South Pole down simultaneously for eight seconds, it’ll automatically restore to factory settings.
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
Ever read something so magnificently stupid that you have to just stare into space for a little while and reconcile with your brain for having been subjected to it.
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
The first guy who bought pants had to go to the store without pants on, that’s just science
My daughter’s main food groups are pancakes, watermelon, cheese, and her mother’s patience.
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
me refusing to leave twitter
I’m going to name my daughter Chilada so that when her siblings have children, they will call her Aunt Chilada.
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
Small children who dress as Batman must be forced to fight crime. To teach them a lesson, about lying
My husband just emptied all the bathroom garbage cans, and I’ve never been more suspicious.
ATTENTION EVERYONE MONEY ORDERS ARE A SCAM THEY EXPECT YOU TO HAVE THE MONEY ALREADY YOU CANNOT ORDER IT
HER: Wow, look at all the presents! How did you afford it all?
ME: I used Kohl’s cash.
[police burst through the door with Kohl]
KOHL: That’s the man who mugged me!
Screw an edit button I want people to know immediately when I block them
[at my funeral]
*casket falls onto the floor*Mum: that’s the quickest I’ve ever seen him move
Dad: lol owned
We’ve secretly replaced the G with a K on this bottle of Jergens.
Let’s see if he notices.
my grandfather would be rolling in his grave if we got him the casket he asked for.
[recording studio]
me: [into microphone] studio
sound engineer: nice [takes off headphones] i think we got it
Why ruin a perfectly good shovel when you can just use your leg?
*kicking off my shoes at the end of the day but my feet go with them* haha whoops
[restaurant]
WAITRESS: Would you like a lunch menu or a dinner menu?
ME: No thanks. I don’t eat menus.
[Cat Businessmen]
“Geez, Phil, you look exhausted. Being a new father is tough, huh.”
*sighs* I only got 16 hours of sleep last night.
God: Build an ark
Noah: For?
God: Animals and shit I dunno[earlier]
Devil: Bet you can’t trick someone into building an ark
God: Game on.
I’m a feminist until it’s time to choose workout music.