She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
You Might Also Like
We get it, cacti, you have great biceps.
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
[First Date]
Me: So, Construction?
Him: Yeah
M: You nail stuff? With your big hammer?
H:
M: Like to screw?
H:
M: Hey! Where are you going?
My husband has a blanket pulled up over his face.
I think this means he wants me to talk to him.
(making the first gang) and we all have to wear the same color. it’ll be cute.
[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
Guys, if a girl just wants to “be friends,” then borrow $100 from her and never pay her back. Like a “friend” would.
There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
I’ve been learning to cook.
I like donuts.
Twitter:
The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed
I made the mistake of clicking on an Instagram ad for a flannel shirt, and now the algorithm thinks I’m a lumberjack.
the bots have become self-efficient faster than we imagined
Me: *Gets my kids the exact same thing to avoid arguments*
*argument ensues*
This is the part of the job I really hate [goes to work]
word gets around the prison that i’ve been digging a tunnel. one night they follow me down and find me in my ball pit. they don’t seem to understand freedom
my dad can break into almost any car using a frozen chimichanga
Son: Being an adult is easier
Me: No way, childhood is
Both: I WISH WE COULD SWITCH PLACES
*Shooting star flies overhead*
Son: Wait this sucks
Me: No take backs
Today’s Tarot Card: It’s not the destination that matters; it’s the huge number of enemies you’ve made along the way.
When I was just a little girl, I asked my mother what will I be. Will I be pretty, will I be rich? Here’s what she said to me:
GO TO SLEEP.
I love how my 4yo takes the time to stop what she’s doing to give me advice whenever I’m struggling, “maybe next time take the bread out of the oven before it burns.” That’s a good point, thanks.
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
No, he could speak more languages than that. He had racist shoulders. His front teeth were impatient.
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
“I’ve never had a reason to see a therapist”
– People who haven’t met me yet
There’s never been a single day in my life when I thought to myself ” thank god the cops are here”
Christmas in 3 weeks and everyone’s gifts still in my thoughts and prayers
I hope the mysterious food thief at the office enjoys the dog food marinara and Jello with my toenail clippings I made for him/her.
our love will go down in history
like the Hindenburg
Unfortunately, I cannot marry my high school sweetheart bc the state does not recognize a union between a woman and a Legolas poster.