[leaving for vacation]
Me: Do we have everything?
Kids: Yes!
Me: Let’s go!
[5 min up road]
Son: Dad, where’s mommy?
Me: *makes u-turn*
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I find the fact Barney and friends got overlooked for every single Jurassic Park movie… bizarre
Clitorusaurus: A dinosaur never discovered by man
*First hour into camping with my family with no phone*
I have 2 kids?!
Is a guy eating peach halves the equivalent of a chick eating a banana?
Asking for a friend…
…but hurry up, I’m almost to the checker
Me : I just ELECTROCUTED myself
Wife: How SHOCKING, how do you CURRENTLY feel ?
Me : I’m kind of AMPED.
Wife : WATT, I can’t hear you
Me : I said it HERTZ a lot.
Friend: PUMP THE BREAKS!
Me: YOU CAN DO IT BREAKS! I BELIEVE IN YOU!
I have this theory that if I use cash money to pay for food I’m not actually spending my money because it doesn’t decrease the number in my bank account.. I realize that this is inaccurate, but I will continue to think this way so that I feel better about my poor life decisions
Went the extra mile today, drove right past my office.
Date: so you were married twice before?
Me: yes
Date: any kids
Me: no they were both adults
Me: *just woke up*
My gym bro: dude you look like you just woke up
Me: *panics in just have been woken up*
Look man, I don’t care if Mercury is in photosynthesis, settle down
I’d probably start exercising if it didn’t require moving around so much.
Nurse: ‘Have you had any adverse reactions to vaccines previously?’
Me: ‘I understand I screamed a lot as a child.’
cop pulling me over: whoa whoa, where are you off to in such a hurry
me: some of your colleagues are chasing me
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.
“I’m not a big horse person”
– a lying centaur
How old are you?
Me: *panics*
Me: *trying to math it out*
Me: *forgets birth year*
Me: * forgets current year*
Me: *runs away*
Oh no 😂😂💔😭
New birthdays:
•Januartly 34rd
•Marfch 0th
•Dechumpert 4rf
•Septurble 6rd-16nd (lengthy birth)
•Flethfluary 14st (Valentront’s Day!)
•6th
*maintains eye contact while slowly putting in ear buds as you’re talking to me*
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
me: stop calling me names!
bully: shut up names
[at checkout counter]
Would ya like to donate $1 to-
-No
But you didn’t let me finish
-Is it $1 toward you shutting your mouth?
No
-Then no
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
[doctor’s office]
DOCTOR: I have good news and bad news
ME: what’s the good news
D: that’s for someone else; sorry, doctor-patient confidentiality
I have no idea what she’s talking about.
Robber: give me your money
Me: this is embarrassing but I am broke
Robber: not a problem. I can loan you a 20
Me: thanks dude
Robber: no problem. Now give me your money
Mobster: Take Jack up the hill and make it look like an accident.
Jill: You got it, boss.