Science has yet to explain why sandwiches taste better cut diagonally.
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My youngest found an “I’m a big sister” t-shirt, wore it to camp, and now it’ll take 9 months till the neighborhood believes I’m not pregnant
I’ve been shelling pistachios for 3 hours now, I have 9.
From Facebook just now…
[looking at pics]
Where’s that?
-Hawaii
Where’s that?
-Jamaica
Daddy where was I?
-You weren’t born
Why’s the folder called ‘Good Ole Days’?
Warner Bros named him Bugs Bunny because he was absolutely riddled with lice
I like to hike with a bag of pork chops. That way if I run into a bear, I won’t die hungry
Who called it a “Monk that can dunk” instead of an “Air Friar?”
Instead of ghosting someone, tell them why & what they did wrong. We need less idiots out there
how do they know an animal is extinct like??? u looked everywhere????
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
fired
Felt like my car was going to blow over from this wind today. I feel bad for the smart cars that are probably stuck in trees.
the dominos pizza tracker says alfred is quality checking my order but alfred also made it. isn’t this a conflict of interest
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
ME: my dog ate my homework
TEACHER AT MY DOG FOOD CULINARY SCHOOL: that is good
Life is short. Beat it up and steal its lunch money.
*Walks 500 miles
*Walks 500 more
*Is the guy who falls down at your door
*Knocks
*Gets no answer
*Realizes he should have called first
me, at the big work meeting when my boss walks into the room: all rise!
Welcome back to Taco Addicts Anonymous. Congratulations everyone here on stayin clean for 4 months and-
[loud crunch noise in back of room]
“Sorry if I lose you. My phone’s about to die.”
“We’re speaking face to face.”
“Damn it.”
I think I might have a shower.
*checks*
Yes, I have a shower.
“Listen, Barbara, I’ll be at my sister’s until you can get your shit together. Please don’t forget to water the plants.”
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
My 11 year old dumped his girlfriend because she was too “sassy.”
So I’m guessing my days are numbered.
Stephen Hawking says artificial intelligence could destroy the human race. Sorry Stephen, but my money’s on LACK of intelligence.
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.
dad: where do you think you’re going
me: *caught applying for an art history degree* uh nowhere?
If someone’s embarrassed just tell them an astronaut did the same thing. For example, “It’s ok, Buzz Aldren once shit himself in an Arby’s”
grocery store clerk: did u find everything ok today
me, who couldn’t find the tortillas after 30 minutes of searching: yes
My cat and I are both on diets, it’s hilarious. Just sitting across from each other, angrily eating our horrible breakfasts.