“Do you like to swim?” I ask a beautiful woman awkwardly as I walk into the ocean, never to be seen again.
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My version of dry January is just trying to see if I can get through the month without any poopcidents. So far it’s been an epic fail.
This is now my favourite pie chart ever.
*throws a dead pigeon at jerk who cut me off in traffic*
Wife: Hun, I don’t think “flipping the bird” means what you think it means.
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
In a job interview, you can always respond to an awkward question with a deep gaze and parted lips, followed by “You complete me.”
Phone: your storage is full.
“looks at my 8,726 identical photos of last 100 years”
Me: no, I need all of these
Just saw a car with “Just Married” on the back window. Do people still do that? Get married, I mean..
Reason number 25827644 to pat your toddler down before putting in the car.
“Can I borrow your charger?”
Me: Sure. *offers keys to my pristine 1969 Dodge Charger Daytona*
“I meant for my iPhone.”
Me: Oh, hell no.
Today’s mission to embrace your inner child, bite a stranger throw a tantrum and take naps
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
If I post camping pics I’m being held against my will
I’m 14 shows into the 1st season of ‘Lost’ & there are SO many mysteries.
I sure hope someone finds out where Sawyer plugs in his flat iron
Got the c-4 you wanted for your gender reveal party.
Let’s bring back the word HOOTENANNY
My safe word is extra cheese
…in queso emergency.
I accidentally killed another cactus & now one of my plants is trying to grow towards the phone to call 911.
Where in the hell are Dora the Explorer’s parents? Do they know she’s riding a damn crocodile into a volcano?
Tsunamis are caused by dolphins breakdancing to celebrate passing another IQ test.
This guy’s luggage is masquerading as a mystery traveler and it’s freaking me out.
I just figured out the name of a song that had been stuck in my head for a month, and it felt like dislodging a popcorn kernel the size of a ping pong ball from my teeth.
waiter: do you have any allergies?
me: latex
waiter: I mean is there anything you can’t eat
me: airplanes
My first mistake was letting my kids watch all the Despicable Me movies repeatedly and my second mistake was putting on a yellow shirt with these overalls
angel: whatcha making?
god: *buffing a shark* dolphin
If I ever faint in front of you, don’t panic. Just open the bag of Doritos in my purse and wave it under my nose.
“I wonder what drinking fur would be like?”
~ Inventor of orange juice with pulp
I swear i’m surrounded by idiots… no one even understood me when i said “to all intense and porpoises.”
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes