Taught my 6 yo nephew that he should say “calm down Karen” whenever his mom is mad at him. Now we wait for my sister Stacy to call
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7 A.M.: I will only eat the wholesome low-calorie whole grain cereal with skim milk.
MIDNIGHT: Where are the chocolates? I must have more chocolates!
wife hoping for a normal day: good morning
me: im gonna try to become left handed
*opens Advil*
*takes Advil*
*closes Advil*
*looks at husband*
“Sorry, where are my manners? You want some?”
i’m at the bar pushing pint glasses off the edge like a cat until the bartender sprays me with a water bottle
Felt so bad for this dude.
Imagine showing up to your son’s high school football game and he gets killed by Hitler.
Babies are just like turtles, keep them in water and also feed them turtle food.
Just took my 8,647th accidental screenshot of my lock screen while putting my phone in my pocket
Des Moines Police having a normal one
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
the approval process for adding someone to a group chat should be harder than getting a passport.
Auto correct is like when a 3yo kid wants to help wash the car.its a nice gesture but really its just slowing shit down! 🙂
ME: [getting pistol whipped] hey everyone, look at this idiot who thinks his gun is a whip
Knights in white satin do not sound like they would be properly protected in a battle scenario. Yes, they would LOOK incredible but sadly they would die
Even with a college education, the first thought that comes to mind when I know something bad is about to happen is “ruh roh.”
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
what idiot named them jet skis instead of boatercycles
Dude: You got a light?
Me: Sure.
*hand him a flashlight*
Dude: I mean for my cigarette.
Me: Yeah, he can use it.
*sings Hungry Eyes to the rotisserie chicken rack at Costco*
[at funeral] You really had to see him live
Made the mistake of dropping my pants when my dentist put on latex gloves.
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
Of course I’m more of a yeeeeeee-haaaaaw! than a wooooohoooo! kinda guy because Texan and whatnot.
“WAIT!” I screamed at my daughter as she typed Y-O-U on my computer but miraculously the autocomplete added “TUBE” so yeah, God exists.
I’m a new werewolf and I have questions
-where am I going
-do I have to stay up all night I like to go to sleep at 9pm
-is howling at the moon necessary I have sensitive vocal chords
-do i really have to hunt & kill things I have a gluten allergy can I just go to Whole Foods
if you love someone, set them free; now you don’t have to buy anything for Valentine’s Day
2023 was just a warmup
Me: curling is just hockey with different sticks
Him: you just offended all of Canada
I can’t really explain it, but the second half of the alphabet is more exciting than the first.
Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
[ER: Goth Unit]
Nurse: Doctor, the patient is starting to smile
Doctor: God damnit NOT ON MY WATCH I WANT 500 CCS OF JOY DIVISION NOW