Since retiring, my favorite time to get ready to leave the house is eventually.
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[costume shop]
Me: I’d like a cloak, please.
Clerk: is plepsi ok?
I’m not John Madden, just John Disappointeden.
Alright, Mr. “In good times and in bad” I just painted my finger nails and I gotta pee. Let’s go.
Priest: Marriage lasts until death. You’re not married in heaven.
Me: Why not?
Wife: Then we’d be in hell.
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
Spent morning at the farmers market carefully selecting fruits and vegetables to throw away next Saturday.
I like to put a banana in a string of hahahahahahahahaha ‘s
No one notices, I dont know why I bother.
hahahabananahahaha
Although this might seem a bit pricey at first, please keep in mind that it takes approximately two dozen mice to make one pound, which comes out to only about nineteen cents per mouse.
[to tall guy in front of me at the movies] dude at least face the screen
Cops should stop the use of dogs.
There are other trainable, vicious animals with a terrific sense of smell.
No one would mess with a police bear.
Note to self: Take Mila Kunis picture off of vacuum before taking it in for service next time.
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
My marriage counselor suggested that I forget about the past. So I forgot that I got married and now I’m happy.
That guy is a genius.
If u ever rob someones house just bring guacamole that way if they catch you you can just yell surprise and tell them they’re having a party
I could shower but I wouldn’t mean it
Cinderella is my favorite fairy tale about how foot size is the best way to recognize someone.
In my day, Frozen 2 would’ve been released directly to VHS with a new Olaf who sounds weird, and we would’ve been GRATEFUL.
oh shit. i’m at a doctors appointment, and i legit forgot to take the sugar glider out of my sports bra. let’s hope she stays asleep!!!
I bet when David Hasselhoff gets too drunk he roams the streets screaming “KITT!” When he can’t find his car.
If stray cats are free, why is Chinese food so expensive?
Need tips on making something look like an accident.
*Me, stepping out of a time machine with Pheidippides* : See, people now run marathons for fun
Pheidippides: Marathons… the unbearable 26 miles I ran desperately during war, after which I died?
Me: lol yeah people eat waffles after
just realizing what a disservice it is to limit my kids screen time because they could become influencers and fund the rest of my life
I deserve a reward for backing out of my driveway without hitting one blade of grass, a sprinkler head, or a small tree.
[slides note under neighbor’s door]
reboot your wifi
I found the cure for insomnia. No melatonin, no nothing, just a screen playing things that require effort to be understood. You’re welcome
ME: Ugh hate summer when bees are flying everywhere
BEE [angrily undoing seatbelt on plane] I’m gonna sting him
BEE WIFE:Just leave it David
mom: what’d you do today?
christopher robin: the pantsless bear in crop top needed my help cuz he got covered in honey and stuck in a hole
mom: …okay maybe no more going to the woods alone for awhile.
Breaking News:
Germany defeats Argentina… France surrenders.
Laptop’s battery: 1 hour 59 minutes
remainingLaptop after 20mins