My daughter just informed me that 75% of you follow me because of how I look.
I’m not sure if I’m flattered or insulted.
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If I was meant to exercise, the good alcohol would be kept on the bottom shelf not the top.
No bullshit, if any color is unemployed, its maroon
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
*Gets off couch. Goes to Jedi school. Studies for months.
*Returns to couch.
*Uses the force to get last beer from the fridge.
When someone is dead in a movie, do you try to catch him breathing too or am I a weirdo?
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
My husband won’t let me pick up wood at Home Depot because he doesn’t want it scratched or bent but I can take care of his children daily.
Life coach: don’t sweat the small stuff
Me: you mean like microscopic germs
Life coach: no you should probably worry about those
Me: choking hazards
Life coach: that’s not-
Me: killer bees
Life coach: *drinks from hip flask*
STAYING HOME DAY 1: I should create a schedule to give my life structure.
DAY 9: I wonder what photosynthesis tastes like to trees.
You telling me these peas gave someone a black eye?
How to make your house look like a trash can in one easy step:
1. Hand 3yo a muffin on your way to the bathroom.
I know this now.
– “… He accidentally drank some radioactive milk and became_
– MILKMAN!!
– No. He became gravely ill and died. What are you? An idiot?!”
A 6-year-old told me he likes my costume. I’m not wearing a costume 🙁
Getting grey hair hurts less when you say you’re sprouting tinsel instead.
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
Pronounces “biochemist” as “beyotch mist”
friend: I was named after my father
me: *aware of how time flows* correct
I let a Pasta Chef borrow my car and he returned it all denty
“Name him Mufasa, it means “king” in Manazoto. And uh, we’ll call HIM Scar. Because his face.”
Simba’s grandparents were the real villains.
Voting has begun in Russia’s presidential election. Results will be known last week
Dr: You need to stop touching your face
Me: But it feels really nice, try it
Dr: *strokes my cheek* OMG, nurse come check this out
Me: *finishes cleaning*
My family: *breathes and instantly 3 loads of laundry and 5,000 dirty cups appear*
if the aliens landed today I would be like 5% surprised
I’m explaining to my mom this is what happens when a goth girl wished for global annihilation as she blew out her birthday candles.
My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
Anybody looking for skeletons for Halloween decorations, there’s still a few complete ones in my yard.
Usually takes me two or three tries to correctly aim the remote at the TV, if anyone was thinking of challenging me to a duel.
Sorry I disappeared from our zoom
I fell off my chair trying to shake a spider off my shoe
“Let me get this straight, you got your asses kicked by four fully mature mutant ninja turtles?”
“No, sir, it’s actually worse than that.”