My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
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I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
Amazed I’ve never been framed for murder I shed more than a golden retriever
Communists only write in lowercase letters because they hate Capitalism.
Every day, my kids walk around the basket of clothes in their room to avoid putting them away.
So, I guess it’s hereditary.
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
When I’m angry I drink more coffee. That way I’m still angry but I also have to poop.
Kidney stones? Hard pass
Me as hostess: tonight we’re having deconstructed tater tots, deconstructed subs, and deconstructed strawberry pie
*takes guests to the grocery store*
*as girl walks in*
98, 99, *grunts* 100
Uhm, no? Just learning to count.
*Tries to hit the gym*
*Gym hits back*
83% of white folks stressing about their court dates are referring to tennis.
It was that very moment when we realized our shared love for multipurpose utensils brought us together & that’s when the sporks flew.
I’m just saying, who could afford murder hornets in THIS economy? 2020 had a backer, and I’d like to see some receipts, CHARMIN.
apparently “spite” is not the appropriate answer to “What motivates you?”
gang fight between two rival Celtic dance schools in an alley after parade – nothing but curls and bits of fabric knotwork everywhere
*gets toy out of packaging, earns engineering degree
[first line of my romance novel] her eyes, they looked like they watched netflix
A guy I know just posted “I’m relaxing today, don’t bother me” on Facebook, and let me tell you: I was going to bother him but now I’m not
Hey girl, are you an extraterrestrial? Because your man’s out here denying you exist.
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
Welcome to your 40s: you can do yard work or you can walk tomorrow, your choice.
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
Cop: say the alphabet backwards
Me: the alphabet backwards
Cop: okay, you’re under arrest
Me: but you said—
Cop: I didn’t say simon says
Me: oh shit
Ooops wrong house😂😜
Psychologist: what is the issue
Her: He is one of the most pretentious people I have ever met.
Me: *laughing so hard my monocle falls out*
In an attempt to build some exercise into my daily routine, I’ve put the biscuits on a higher shelf. Boy, I’m gonna be sore tomorrow.
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.