My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
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IDEA: UberQuiet. You pay a little bit more but your driver never says a word to you.
cool hat i found in the hospital bathroom for a cowboy like myself
I’m meeting a man I really like for drinks. If I play my cards right, he’ll be deleting my number in a few hours.
My heart says food, food and more food…but my jeans say, for the love of God, eat salad😪
I often stand naked in front of a full-length mirror, studying myself to better come to terms with my imperfections. It’s not an easy thing to do though, and quite frankly I feel IKEA security could be a little more supportive.
[trapped on a patch of ice that’s melting in the Arctic ocean]
[rubs Genie bottle]
“can you hook me up with some wifi?”
A dating site that connects Tupperware containers with lost lids.
Teacher: I’m worried because your daughter keeps spelling her name T-R-M-N-L.
Me: but I just taught her how to spell PAIGE.
Teacher: tell me what you told her.
Me: P as in Pterodactyl, A as in Artist, I as in Imaginary, G as in Gnat, and E as in Elephant.
I was losing too many socks doing laundry so I started zip tying them together, now I’m losing them in pairs.
At a fried chicken place, looks delicious
me: hit me, daddy
poker dealer: don’t call me that
I want to run my fingers through your spaghetti.
Hair. I mean hair. Sorry, I’m starving.
Woke up with the sinuses of an English bulldog.
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
WIFE: He never pays any attention to me. All he cares about is that dog.
THERAPIST: is this true?
ME: [sewing swim trunks for the dog] is what true?
didn’t turn any of my pre-dawn work alarms off bc i thought i needed to panic for no reason on my days off
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
I just learned that ratatouille is a meal and not just a Pixar movie.
[first date]
Him: What are you passionate about?
Me: *bats eyelashes* Taxidermy.
Him: Animals?
Me: Haha. Sure…
Really not sure what’s all the fuss about the Queen’s #Nazi salute, everyone knows ‘Scissors Beat Paper’
Tried going out through the back of my wardrobe today but even Narnia’s closed.
I’m glad my bed can’t speak because it has seen me in some weird positions
i baked you a cake
My new phone is being delivered by Amazon which means that I can track its movements for a day before it tracks mine for five years.
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
Moms have an amazing superpower: we can speak at full volume without anyone hearing us.
I’m fine with premarital sex, but marital sex just seems weird. That’s your roommate. Boundaries.
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
Babies won’t eat food unless they think it’s an airplane because all humans are born believing they’re godzilla.
me: this one looks dangerous
dermatologist: that’s chocolate