My kid just started to learn how to play the drums and for 5 dollars I can send you a sound file to use as a method of torture for those coworkers who cook fish in the microwave
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on average, a shark can swallow up to 7 octopuses every night while it sleeps
Wonder which part of Batman’s belt holds the bat-shaped throat lozenges he uses after speaking in his tough voice for long periods of time.
Dude (seeing girlfriend use eyelash-growing serum): I need a ton of this before my high school reunion
[at reunion]
Classmate: You have spikey black hair? I’d heard you’d gone bald
Dude: Just temporarily (his head blinks)
guys we are on vacation and my husband keeps striking up conversations with people who don’t speak his language then doesn’t back down, save me
All amusement parks are abandoned amusement parks right now. The Scooby Doo crew must be overwhelmed.
Girl, are you Excel? Because I claim to know you but I’m probably oblivious to 98% of what you’re able to accomplish
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
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If you’re gonna murder me in my house at least help me straighten it up a little for the crime scene photos.
I wish I knew how to spell the crinkle sound a chip bag makes because that would be my future dog’s name.
Steps into crowded elevator car. Faces everyone. Doors close.
“I’m not sure how long this ride will last so I’ve decided to take a lover.”
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
wife: im sick of him jeopardizing our marriage
therapist: how do you respond to that kyle?
me: ill take susan is being a huge baby for $600
love the HBO account having a prewritten response to “god damn no one can see shit on your show it’s too dark” comments
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You know what cats don’t like? Blow dryers.
You know what’s funny? Pointing your blow dryer at your cat.
Anyway, I lost an eye today.
Hi, my name is Pan. It’s short for Pam.
So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car
Me: How dilated is she?
Nurse: 4 centimeters.
Me: This is America.
Nurse: 0.000198838 furlongs.
What I said: Please help clean up after dinner.
What my 6yo heard: Commence pirouetting.
Looking for a new spicy potato chip?
-Hot Pringles in your area
Kylo Ren: I am your father.
Rey: We’re roughly the same age. You’re just copying everything Vader said.
Kylo Ren: NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!
I think my wife is having an affair, for two years she claims to have been going to classes, yet still can’t speak a word of Zumba.
Be the change you’re looking for
between the couch cushions.
Me: I hate math.
Also me: If I cut my shower down to three minutes and breakfast down to ten, I can hit the nine-minute snooze two more times and only be five minutes late.
Sometimes I worry that pizza isn’t a real sport
A baby is 75% water. So if I walked on babies I’d be 75% Jesus. #SolidLogic
My God: dead.
My world: disenchanted.
My invitation on LinkedIn: declined.
If we date, pls know I will bird call to you from another aisle in the grocery store
[torturing terrorist]
[plays EDM]
[beat rises]
[beat keeps rising]
[beat rises endlessly]
Terrorist: MAKE IT DROP I’LL TELL U ANYTHING
One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.