One job requirement for a substitute bus driver is being able to navigate with directions given by 4th graders.
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Interviewer: so tell me your strengths
Me: conducting interviews
Interviewer: *narrows eyes*
Me: so tell me your weaknesses
Interviewer: *starts sweating*
absolutlely despise when a recipe tells me to add 2 cups of onion. they don’t come in cups. they come in onions
Once your kid learns about the planet Uranus, you can bet uranus you’ll be hearing uranus puns for months.
cat: *slowly approaches new vase*
me: you don’t wanna do that
vase: *pushes cat off the table*
me: i warned you
One thing I’ve learned about this world is that there are always going to be people who want to change you.
-babies
Fortune cookie: You will travel far and wide and touch many lives along the way.
Me: [sighs and starts drafting apology notes now]
Me: *gets in pool* Come on in.
4-year-old: No, there might be sharks.
Me:
4:
Me:
4:
Me: *gets out of pool*
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
What’s your dream job? Mine’s either falling out of airplanes or giving presentations in my underwear.
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
My grandpa used to eat onion sandwiches so yeah he and my grandma slept in separate bedrooms.
Do you scroll through Netflix to find a good show for your dog to watch when you leave the house or are you normal?
My calendar says I have 18 meetings left this week. Time to go lick Maria in accounting; she’s coming down with flu.
Worst day ever. Accidentally touched a Magic Eraser and now I’m a muggle.
Telling a woman she’s being unreasonable is like juggling lit torches while waist deep in gun powder.
Started watching the latest James Bond film last night. He’s in Italy in the beginning. Didn’t see one Olive Garden.
ME: I’m sorry. I’m not very creative.
JOHN: Dad, we know.
OTHER JOHN: It’s pretty obvious.
GIRL JOHN: It’s been one of the greatest trials of our family.
i remember as a kid being like “Wow as an adult i’ll be able to buy as much candy as i want whenever i want” which turned out to be completely true and as amazing as i imagined
Do you people like your catfish battered and deep fried?
Nothing makes you feel more like a genius than answering incorrectly to your kid’s interactive tv show…
told someone “my scrubs are made from cotton but i’m made of boyfriend material” then they blocked me immediately
If your coffee shop has a passive aggressive “no wifi pretend it’s the old days” sign I’m gonna smoke in there & pay 50 cents for coffee.
In the beginning God created the heaven and the earth. And God said, let there be light: and there was light. And God said let there be sunshine and moonlight and good times.
And then God blamed it on the boogie.
When I punish my future kids I wont just take their phone I’m gonna be them on social media & just comment “nice” on everyones old pool pics
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
[gym]
me: please wipe that down when you’re done
guy at urinal: what
Me: I’m so excited! I just planted my first Azalea.
Iggy: Help! Let me out of here!
Me: Hush! Flowers don’t talk silly.
When I say “I’m open to feedback” I mean “I accept compliments.”
ME: Hit the panic button we’re being robbed
COLLEAGUE: It’s not working
ME: [hears ice cream truck pull up] Oh it’s working