I’m wearing black with navy blue today. Fight me. Any bruising will only serve to tie it all together.
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INTERVIEWER: Now this is an impressive résumé
ME: Thank you, I found it outside
me: my night terrors are getting worse
therapist: anything you can change about your night-time routine?
[flashback to eating a wheel of mature cheddar in bed every night]
m: *shaking my head* nope, not a damn thing
remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.
Mother in law: why do you grow so much sage? You don’t even cook with it.
Me: I burn it when you leave.
Do men in Antarctica wake~up with morning popsicle???
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
1st date:
(don’t let her know how self centered you are)Me: what’s your favorite thing that I’ve said so far tonight?
[First target practice]
Son: I missed
Stormtrooper Dad: I know, I’m proud of you son.
The flashlight next to my bed is more for ghosts than it is for power outages.
I’m not necessarily saying it’s been a while since I sorted out my spice cupboard, but I have just found some star anise that’s technically eligible to vote.
Is your wife buying too many shoes? Cut her feet off. There, done.
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
Pro tip: If you ever lose your wedding ring, just run the vacuum cleaner. You’ll find it.
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
Me: You really can’t describe the thrill of the hunt until you’re in the thick of it. Exhilarating!
Cashier: Sir, those items are always buy one, get one free all year.
So tired of every man on dating apps saying they’re looking for someone spontaneous. Sir I have anxiety and a career I need a plan.
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
I insist on having my husband talk dirty to me in a Donald Duck voice.
[at family gathering]
Me: *shoving jumbo shrimp in my mouth*
Mom: Where are your manners?
Me: *points over at sister* She has them.
My very religious-minded FB friend posted that she and her daughter were going to Netflix and chill today. I don’t have the heart to tell her.
I was so proud when the AC repair guy came and the AC continued to not function in front of him.
Aight bet
Good job with the heavy sighs, guy behind me, that should definitely help speed up the line.
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
Just once I’d like to practice my runway walk while eating a bag of chips without getting kicked out of the grocery store.
I tried to be mean once. Worst two minutes of my life.
what if I told you big orthopedics is responsible for the crate challenge
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
Me ~ yes , I want your 2 for $5 Whoppers
Burger King ~ you want cheese on that
Me ~ yes please
Burger King ~ ok that will be $40.75