Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
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I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.
Hearing aid salesman: You’ll be able to hear everything people say.
Me: Hard pass.
stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
lawyer: juror number four why wouldn’t you be able to serve on this jury?
me: i have ice cream in my car, your excellency.
One time I was really high and attempted to flush my foot down the toilet. There was no Twitter then, so I’m telling you now.
Chicks love guys with tattoos cuz it means they’re willing to commit to something stupid for the rest of their lives…
Me: I’d like to return this
Customer Service: this is the missing mop from the janitor’s room
Me: ya it sucks
Him: I love birds.
Me: [trying to impress]
*smacks face into nearest window*
Just got your text from Saturday. Are you still being kidnapped?
[Biblical Times]
God: oh shit
Angel: what?
God: I just realized I’ve been leaning on the frog button
SHE SAID YES!! 😍😍😍💍💍💍 i asked my mom if she was disappointed in me!!
it’s not abuse if the substance likes it.
[Robbery]
Sloth Man: I’ll use my powers to make the criminals fall asleep.
*Runs to bank*
*Reaches bank 18 hrs later*
SM: How’d they escape?
It’s kind of cool when athletes exchange jerseys after a game but trying this with your doctor after a prostate exam isn’t the same, so he said.
Guys the harlem shake died almost 7 years ago so it should be reaching Facebook soon
when they’re all distracted let’s quickly fix the housing market
ME: how old are you?
EGG AND CHEESE SANDWICH UNDER A GAS STATION HEAT LAMP AT 8 PM: im breakfast
ME: and how long have you been breakfast?
Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
I really dislike my CW, so everyday I steal a Kleenex from her desk. In about 500 days, she’s gonna be pissed.
(life flashing before my eyes)
paramedics: why is he cringing?
Me: I want beer
Cashier: ok how much
Me:
Cashier:
Me: I want it so so much
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
My 5 year old brother said “when I’m older I won’t have a GF, I’ll live on my own like my big brother”
YEAH CAUSE THAT’S TOTALLY A CHOICE
Kids are so dumb u think Santa’s elves made that PS4 yeah right like Sony would ever let that happen learn basic copyright law u lil shits
me: *after aceing my finals* that was easier than giving candy to a baby
them: don’t you mean taking candy from a baby
me: why would I take candy from a baby, you monster
“my intrusive thoughts won” all u did was eat a donut?? that’s not an intrusive thought. if my intrusive thoughts won i’d be on the news.
Find a penny
Pick it up
& all the day
You’ll have significantly raised chances of contracting a bacterial infection …
FIRST TIME MOM: Hush little baby don’t say a word.
BABY: {saying first word} Mama.
FIRST TIME MOM: [makes note on clipboard] Doesn’t follow directions yet.
If you wanted to know what being at the top of your game looks like…
My husband and I are about to take a nap because we have an 8:30 dinner reservation and we need to nap in order to stay up that late.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.