stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
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Be like a cat and never give up on closed doors.
Mom: I called you bc I was watching a TV show & thought of you!
Me: Ya? What show?
My Mom (laughing): A show about Aliens!Very funny Mom!
my mom: “please don’t rile up the dogs when we get home”
me as soon as i see the dogs:
Willy Wonka making Charlie the CEO of the Wonka company was actually a pretty smart business move considering the lawsuits the company will be getting after the murder tour
You play the cards life deals you. They are Monopoly cards. You are a small pewter dog and you have won second prize in a beauty contest.
Does WebMD ever just say “you’re fine, there’s nothing wrong with you, go play outside you drama queen?”
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
ME: Can I buy you a drink?
HER: I have a boyfriend.
ME: {counting coins on the table} He can only get something small then.
Realtor: This house will need a lot of work, but it has good bones
Dog: WE’LL TAKE IT
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
My neighbors hurt some bystanders by illegally setting off fireworks. If only there had been a good guy with fireworks around to stop them
(513): They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
I see you’re busy. I’ll come back and ruin your free time.
Save some Fritos for later by keeping them stuck in your molars.
No one is my co-pilot; that seat’s for my snacks.
me: i’ll have the mouse for dessert
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: hmm, that’ll be too much
texting my crush “hey infant” instead of baby so they know i’m smart and regularly use my thesaurus
A funny thing I like to do is yell ‘God, not your WHOLE hand’ when the doctor does a pelvic exam.
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
I don’t wear sunglasses because it’s unfair that a photon travels 93 million miles and then when it’s an inch from my eye I’m all “um, no.”
If you call yourself a “cat photographer” and you are not a cat, gtfo
[at the zoo]
Llama spits in my face
I spit in llamas face
Llama slaps me
I grab llamas hair
Scuffle ensues
Llamas gf shouts “leave it Gary!”
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
the battle rages on
Shoe repair guy: so what happened?
[cut to me trying to flush myself into the Ministry of Magic from my toilet]
Me: I stepped in a..puddle
Does anyone else picture a person actually “squatting” in a house when someone says there’s “squatters” there? or is that just me?
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
Gary Numan is 13 days older than Gary Oldman. I don’t even know what to believe any more
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush