stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
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her: wanna come over
me: can’t I’m at an office party
her: ur self-employed
me: and having a great time
I don’t usually share cat things on Twitter. But I’ll make an exception for this.
Roommate stood in line at midnight to get the new Grand Theft Auto. While he was waiting, someone stole his car. Irony is the best game!
Actually, Kara, love is an illusion created by chemical reactions. The most powerful force in the world is the invisible hand of the market.
My dad went from “no man is good enough for my little girl” to “would you just pick one already? Jobs aren’t even that important” real quick
There were a lot of tears when I dropped my kid back to school today. I think it’s really unprofessional when his teacher cries in front of us.
My dad could kick ur dads ass!
Um have u seen my dad
Hes a big guy huh?
No really have u seen him? He left when I was 9 & never came back
I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
I bought myself some ice skates the other day and went skating today for the first time in about 15 yrs …
I’m returning the skates tomorrow.
“Drop it like it’s hot,” is my favorite song about dropping stuff that’s hot.
Dear student loan, thank you for saving my life. I can’t think how I can ever repay you.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: Hunting accident. I think my friend is dead
911: Can you verify that he’s dead?
Me: Yep, he’s dead
You can totally mistake a slipper for a cat when you don’t have your glasses on. Even after you pet it, you can’t be sure.
[At the Amnesty International Open Summit]
“OK, let’s put it to a vote, what rights should humans be entitled to?”
Kim Jong-un: “No rights.”
Raúl Castro: “Some rights.”
Matthew McConaughey: “All rights, all rights, all rights.”
gonna buy myself something nice
like a straight jacket
The difference between pizza and love is that when the pizza ends it doesn’t send you subtweets.
i was just violently air drumming with the blinds open and i looked outside and my amazon delivery driver was playing air guitar
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
What do I want to do to your body? I don’t know. Identify it, I guess.
My dentist told me I need a crown. I was like I KNOW, RIGHT?
1) Put on chicken costume
2) Go to store to pick up eggs
3) Run up to store manager and emotionally scream “WHO DID THIS TO MY CHILDREN????”
I love in films like 300 where the main guy will say something like “get some sleep, for tomorrow we battle to death”, and everyone just goes into deep sleep, in some wet grass, fully clothed. I can’t get to sleep in a warm bed if I have a 10am conference call about content.
That’s enough internet for the day
I still haven’t used my new mace, this apocalypse is bullshit!
Spice up your boring roofing job by wearing roller skates.
Establish dominance on Halloween by eating your neighbor’s jack-o-lanterns.
911: What’s your emergency?
[sounds of struggling and growling]
Me: I OFFERED THIS RACCOON MY SANDWICH BUT I CHANGED MY MIND
What I like about humanity is that certain mustaches are more evil than others, and everyone basically agrees on which ones are which.
Death. Resurrection. Saviour. I believe in Robocop.