stopped to pee at a McDonner’s
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How did Hitler tie his shoes?
In knotsies.
(The unfollow button is only a click away)
There are at least 5 bearded guys on here that I think I’m only following because I thought they were the same person.
Twitter should send notifications when you’re about to get fired and divorced.
Are you supposed to wear the fanny pack over the gut or underneath it? I don’t want to look like a dork.
Um how poor are you to sell your own yard? For real. And like, nobody’s going to buy it with tables full of junk all over it. Geez. Idiots.
Turns out my teen wanted to leave for school early so we’d have time to watch Netflix in the car and not because she was eager to get to school. I know this now.
My workout routine? You mean hunting for the tv remote?
An app that keeps fighting with people on the Internet when you go to pee.
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
If you read the entire dictionary technically you’ve read every book but out of order.
My daughter made such a cute little doll of me. It even has my real hair. She has it surrounded by some candles, and she’s giving it acupuncture to help the sharp pain in my side go away.
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
baby moses: [crying]
mum: “why wont he stop”
dad: “throw him in the river lol”
mum: “okay”this is from a book called the bible
request for a new client, your honor, i think this one’s guilty
Me: I need a simple, easy hobby to relax and clear my mind
Also me: I will teach myself metalworking techniques from the Middle Ages
Necrophiliacs love going out on expiration dates.
Kid 1: Why’d u call me Aphrodite?
Me: After the Greek goddess of love
Kid 2: What about me?
Me: Well Alvin, ur named after a famous chipmunk
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
People will stop talking to you if you repeat what they said in air quotes.
Effective immediately, all United Airlines flights require at least one passenger to volunteer as tribute.
The guy who thought up Super Mario must have had a very complicated relationship with turtles
Friend: “I grilled some chickens over the weekend.”
Me: “Did you get the information that you were looking for?”
Kill me once. I’m dead.
Kill me twice. I’m a dead ghost.
I’m the kind of friend that will send you a fake emergency text to get you out of a bad date
But also the kind of friend that will make it say:
“Grandma is in the hospital. She fell off her skateboard again”
They don’t even serve apples at Applebee’s.
Or bees.
An easy way to know if your house is haunted is to bake a cake that says “for ghost” and see if anything takes it
“Let the jerk-off begin!”
As the other contestants begin seasoning their meats I look at my bottle of lotion and realize I’ve misunderstood
Me: AI, how many fingers am I holding up?
AI: 17.
Oh sure, E.T. can look for a snack in the fridge and end up drinking all the beer, but when I do it I suddenly “have a problem”, “get arrested” and am “banned from this supermarket”.