*During sex*
Him: come on baby, moan for me….
Me: why didn’t you take the bloody rubbish out like I asked?
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CAVEMAN: I got a Masters in History
CAVEMAN 2: Nice! How long did that take?
CAVEMAN: Nearly half an hour
Motherhood is full of surprises but the biggest surprise is when I take my bra off at night and random things I hid from my kids come tumbling out.
Do you ever think about how many people squeezed the avocado that you’re eating?
[first day as an Orderly]
*gets fired for disorderly conduct*
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
If I saw Bigfoot I would simply take a high resolution and focused photo of him
National Margarita Day is like any other day except…
“Aye yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai yai”
*passes out*
The best way to get a job is to hold the other person’s hand through the interview. If you don’t get hired, no worries. You made a friend.
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
me when my friends ask me to look after their kids
Nothing says “Proper Retirement Planning” like a garbage can full of losing lottery tickets
I would not hook up with the grinch but i would feel good if i found that he wanted hook up with me
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
Me: *Sweeping*
Wife: Excuse me
Me: *Slams broom on floor* YOU SHALL NOT PASS
Wife: …
Me: That’s from lord of
Wife: MOVE!
Me: *Moves*
Girlfriend: hey babe you wanna get breakfast and go for a run?
(Cut to me with a mouth full of Doritos)
Me: I have shin splints
[1800s]
Guy who hates kids: Create for me something children will love, but then it abandons them, or dies a slow, withering death, or vanishes with a terrifying gunshot noise
Francis H. Balloon: Here’s a thought
[electric chair]
“Any requests for your final minutes?”
“Yeh, I want the last episode of Lost explained.”
*acquitted on a technicality
I’m not a chef but sometimes I use the word umami so people know I’ve seen some cooking shows.
*Tries to pet the K-9 unit dogs while I’m hiding from them under a car in a parking lot*
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
Her: I love your eyes.
Me: Thanks, they were a set…
Just saw a Fiat & a Mini Cooper get into a head on collision. It was horrible… there was glitter everywhere.
[gym]
Him: Are you using that machine?
Me: *locked in a passionate embrace with the squat rack* it’s CLEARLY mutual
When I’m trying to walk around in my house: Tripping over shoes nonstop because kids leave them everywhere
When I’m trying to get kids out of the house: No shoes to be found, a barren shoeless desert, a tumbleweed rolls by
Waiting for everyone in this church service to bow their head in prayer so I can update my fantasy football roster.
“I know you! You were one of the bad guys in Titanic!” I yelled at the ocean, who ignored me like most celebrities.
Putting peanut butter on all my fingers before I go to bed so I can have a snack later.
I could never do polyamory not because of jealousy or anything I just don’t have it in me to keep track of more than one birthday
Couldn’t of?! COULDN’T OF?? Oh really? You could not of? Interesting.