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Yeah, I’d like a job where I can spend more time with my dog.
– me at the employment agency
[interview for waiter position]
Manager: “So how experienced are you at carrying multiple plates?”
Stegosaurus: “You’re kidding me right?”
bank robber: show me the vault!
clerk (an amateur gymnast): oh hell yeah
Thank you for clarifying that you’d bite me with your teeth, my mind was running wild with all the possible things you could bite me with.
*boyfriend and girlfriend in shower*
Girl: do bad things to me babe
Boy: *flicks shampoo in her eyes and trips her over*
It’s not about how funny you are, it’s about how funny people think you are. And the majority of people are mentally retarded.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
Bursting from my chair, I pound a fist on the boardroom table. Everyone’s gasps turn to cheers as I lift my hand to reveal the dead mosquito
LAWYER: [whispers] i did the murder [loudly] read that back?
STENOGRAPHER: “I Did The Murder.”
JUDGE: omg the stenographer just confessed
Technically, everyone owns at least one skeleton, and they all sleep with it in their bed
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
Met 3 other women in the bathroom at this restaurant who are also on first dates. We all collaborated and discussed our dates in here. We are best friend and will be in each other weddings
I asked a patient (accompanied by his wife & teenage son) if he exercises? He said, ‘Of course!’ & his wife, in unison, said ‘Not at all!’
I looked at the teenager. He said, ‘Dad goes out with his gym bag but I can’t say for sure if he exercises!’
That boy is a future diplomat.
totally non-alarming text to receive from child’s school
What if the Government invented cheese to distract us from reality?
*gets arrested*
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
me: my car makes a funny noise
mechanic: that’s the horn
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: Rollin’ bones.
Him: I’ll roll your bones. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me:
Him: *winks*
Me: *does voodoo-y stuff*
Him: *turns into a hedgehog*
Just got myself some new
memory foam shoes.Maybe now I’ll remember
why I walked in the room.
Bartender: “I see your glass is empty. Would you like another?”
Me: “What on earth would I do with 2 empty glasses?”
The Joker did a lot of horrific things but the thing I objected to the most was him bringing a date to his open mic.
Who called them creationists and not primate change deniers?
ME:I’m a writer
HER:What have you written?
ME:A few books, but you wouldn’t have heard of them
HER:Try me
ME:They go to a different school
This body wash smells like a smoothie !!!
This body wash does not taste like a smoothie !!!
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
Practice self-care like Dracula: sleep all day, eat all night & outlive everyone who has ever loved you.
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.