Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
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From /u/rocketman on r/antiwork: “Thought of you guys when my manager handed me this. I laughed out loud.”
Me: It was just one time and I’ll never see her again. She means nothing to me.
Barber: I don’t care who cut your hair last, sir.
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
Do you guys ever throw blankets over your dogs so there’s little angry ghosts running around your house for a minute?
First rule of brown girl club: Don’t wear pink & white striped shirts; you’ll look like Neopolitan ice cream.
went fishing caught a bass
A hug and slap are both powerful but not everyone deserves a hug.
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
You couldn’t make The Godfather today. It’s almost midnight, and making films takes ages.
me: if dracula bit jesus would he get drunk
priest: i’m going to have to check with the vatican and get back to you
Boss: what should we call the lower cabinet in the corner that swivels?
Bonnie (who hates Susan): I have an idea.
pete davidson is the goofiest person to be mad at bro it’s like having beef with spongebob
My boss yelled at me for napping at work, even though I had a clearly posted “do not disturb” sign.
My 6yo: (looking outside) It’s raining
My 10yo: but not pouring
Me: and the old man is not snoring
6yo:
10yo:
Me:
6yo: YOU’RE an old man
Me: 😑
For Sale: Baby Shoes. Heavy wear, like it looks like the baby has been working construction downtown. There’s plaster on them.
Saw online –
I’m not ready for the pandemic to be over…
I have yet to bake a single loaf of bread
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
Asked for Cheez-its
Wife buys Cheese Nips
Now she’s sitting in the corner thinking about what she did.
I crashed into a telephone pole during my drivers test but then I said just kidding and my instructor still passed me
Born again? No thanks. One trip down the birth canal was enough.
I grew up in the 70s. If there was a bowl of fruit on the kitchen table it was made out of plastic and lead paint
[neighbour sees me walking to horse barn with a shotgun] did it break its leg?
[me pretty sure the horse saw me practicing moonwalking] yeah
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
Christmas is a very special time when I give my brother a $100 gift card and he gives me a $100 gift card.
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
God: letting you name each other’s breeds was brilliant on my part.
Cat: for the dogs I got Great Dane, Saint Bernard, and Golden Retriever : )
God: nice! your turn Dog!
Dog: oh.
Cat: I’m so excited!
Dog: alleycat.
Cat:
Dog: look I didn’t know we were being serious.
CPR Teacher: That’s the end of the lesson. Any questions?
Me: If you all want to leave and lock the door I’ll put the dummy away.
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.