Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
You Might Also Like
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
So inspired right now.
Writing a song about getting my front door lock replaced. There’s a lovely key change at the end.
I hate when I’m on the treadmill and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
“OPEN THE DOOR IT’S THE POLICE”
who is it?
“POLICE”
what is a police
*cops start whispering*
“how does he not know what a police is”
Pal: That’s an impressive stingray. How’d you catch it?
Me:*flashes back to being dressed as girl stingray* You know, the regular way.
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
It looks like the world forgot to take its meds again.
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Because you like me
Cop: omg shut up I do not
In China the labels read, “Made by someone you know.”
Owl Sanctuary
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
Wife: Use your fingers to make me squirm
Me: *plays Baby Shark on Fisher Price xylophone*
Me: Do you ever feel like you’re an imposter?
Psychiatrist: Get out of my chair
Me: Interesting *writes ‘thinks he’s the psychiatrist’*
Me: HEY LADY YOU STOLE MY PARKING SPOT!
Her: so
Me: *noticing she opened a Gatorade on the first try* HAHA JUST KIDDING ITS TOTALLY YOURS.
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real
There’s no way witnessing the birth of your child is better than seeing your luggage come out first on the baggage carousel.
waiter: *sets down plate* dont touch. it’s hot
me:
waiter:
me: lmao
waiter: lmfao ur gonna touch it huh. is something wrong with u
me: oh definitely
Me: How many times do I have to ask you to brush your teeth?
10: Why is it called a building if it’s already built?
Customer Service: Are you ready for your confirmation number?
Me: Yup. *pretends to write it down*
CS: 683648AC4712.
Me: mmm hmm… Ok, got it!
CS: You want to repeat it back
to me?Me: No thanks *click*
[leaving parents’ house]
HER: I thought you said your dad had one leg.
ME: Ya he also has another one.
Her: Oh, please… You’ll make a pass at anything in a skirt.
Me: Yeah, last night a Scotsman nearly killed me!
My daughter once summarized a 10 minute story in 4 hours.
[at quick clinic]
Nurse: (sarcastically) Is it okay if I check your temperature?
Me: Come on, I can’t be the only person that’s refused to be weighed.
Two roads diverged in a yellow wood,
And I’m terrible with decisions, so I went home.
We’re not supposed to bring snacks to meetings because they’re a distraction, but so far no one’s realized my mask is full of Doritos.