Pretty cool how every single person who read The Secret is now a billionaire.
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When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
Think I pulled my liver
I accidentally inhaled some soap when I was washing my face and then I coughed and no bubbles came out. Cartoons are full of shit.
All-purpose flour out there like screw you single-use flours I can do anything
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
HUSBAND: Do you want to
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
HUSBAND: I didn’t say anything yet.
ME: Sorry, go ahead.
HUSBAND: Would you like to go
ME: *interrupts* Nope.
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
[answers phone]
Me: yeah?!
Boss: are you okay?
Me: just taking a quick lunch break
Boss: you haven’t showed up in 2 days!
BOSS: I have some tough news
INVISIBLE MAN: Go on
BOSS: HR says we need to hire more “Visible” minorities
INVISIBLE MAN: This is bullshit
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
It’s hard for me to believe that the new Star Wars trailer has already been seen millions of times. How do they even know where it’s parked?
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
Why human bake at 86 degrees but chicken bake at 425
i often find myself insisting to my partner that i only have “normal bag stuff” in my rucksack and “yes i do need to carry around all those items”, so it pains me to say that today i found an unopened jar of roasted garlic cloves in there
“Swimsuit season is over,” I announce, a fistful of chocolate cake in one hand and a tray of brownies in the other. My husband slowly backs out of the room.
I would describe my conference call personality as “also there”
Haven’t you heard, Fanny packs are back.
Him: It’s just… I’ve never seen anyone eating boiled eggs out of one…
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
ariana grande getting engaged to a non-famous person is really inspiring me to get engaged to a famous person
Teachers call it “Going to the bathroom”. We call it “I’m bored, I’m gonna go wander around school.”
My kids publicly asked Santa for a baby brother, and my husband and I publicly yelled for him to “SHUT IT DOWN NOW, SANTA!”
Keith Richards would kill on funny twitter
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boy, pass me my luxury grilled pregnant smelt
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Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
I like mascarpone cheese. It sounds like the sort of cheese that would have ruled organised crime in 1920’s Chicago with an iron fist.
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
They say if you love something set it free so am I supposed to just leave the front door open or do I drop my kids at the park or something?
If you think the world is getting more unsafe, violent and unpredictable, the 13th century would like a word with you.