I missed one episode of the news and now I have no clue wtf is happening.
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me: somebody stole a painting. they broke in, disabled the alarm–
detective: okay I got the picture
me: wow that was really fast
*watches Beauty and the Beast*
*looks at dirty dishes in sink*
WASH YOURSELVES AND SING TO ME!
The school asked my wife to stop me driving with the kids in the car as their teachers are tired of explaining that the things I yell at other road users aren’t biologically or physically possible.
I fully support any type of marriage that doesn’t involve me.
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
Do hairy people get bed head all over?
Ma’am, I just called to see if you’re happy with your cell phone provider. But probably they do.
I think I am adventurous until I have to follow a detour or park in a tight lot
I’m so disappointed when I help my kid with her homework and she brings it home marked incorrect.
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
Just injected myself with bleach and as far as I can tell nothing is hapxczfdszg vhrwxx
$&8766bfdgjkklk vbczzsawq
*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*
Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.
When I was in 2nd grade, a girl in my class had a large pack of crayons. I wanted it. She asked if I would trade her my soul for the crayons. I said yes. But my mom made me trade her back so I could keep my soul & said if I traded my soul away again, I was grounded.
me: can i borrow $100
friend: promise u won’t buy drugs with it
me: oh i already have money for that
I’ll never be as smart as I am in the shower.
As a mom, I’m super excited about the rock collection my daughter just told me she’s starting.
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
If you lose a tooth in a bar fight and put it under your pillow, the tooth fairy will leave you $100 because you’re hardcore.
In my dreams last night, I met God. He gave me the manuscript for His novel to read, but I never read it, & I had to avoid Him in the town.
My German girlfriend said she wants me to eat her Kürbiskuchen. I was aroused.
I found out it means pumpkin pie. Now I’m more aroused.
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
Wife: how much did it cost to rent that bouncy castle?
Me: I dunno. Buying it wasn’t cheap tho
Cashier: Smile!
Me: Worry about your own face.
Her: (Sigh) How did you burn the Thanksgiving Turkey?
Me: I followed the directions. 20 minutes a pound at 325 degrees. I weigh 175 pounds!
Pack some crackers, we’re going on a cheeseabout.
On more than one occasion I’ve canceled plans because I was too full of calzone.
A “beyond burger” implies the existence of a “bed burger ” and a “bath burger”
Noah, surrounded by a million pieces & trying to make sense of his IKEA Arke pictogram instructions, feels the first drop of rain.
Shit.
[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
what idiot called it a best man instead of a lord of the rings
Sure the blue urinal cakes LOOK delicious but I’ve learned my lesson