[planning a heist]
Guy: it’s gonna be an inside job
Me, hates going outside: nice
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just got robbed by a bunch of girl scouts, well i wasn’t robbed but they did take all my money
Two tips for faster jogging: hot guy in front of you and creepy dude behind
Remember the good old days when you didn’t know how to talk
~Me to my kids when they tell me my jokes are stupid.
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
[tarot card reading]
*flips card*
You will be a King
*flips card*
And find a beautiful queen
*flips card*
Oh my, you will be clubbed TWICECustomer: …is that a regular deck of cards?
I keep forgetting my passwords so I changed them all to one that’s super easy for me to remember:
InsufficientFundsContactYourBank00.00
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
Every day I ask Chatgpt if it knows where my keys are and If it ever knows the answer I’m suing everybody.
You really dropped the ball today Ted. You’re fired.
“Please, no. I can try harder.”
You operate a wrecking crane, man. People died.
STEVE MILLER: some people call me the space cowboy
ME: dude we only did that once and we all really really regret it
Stop trying to make me exfoliate. Maybe I like having 17 layers of crusty old skin on my face.
[At work]
What can I do to pass the time?
if my house is ever clean just know i must have murdered someone in there.
People at HIIT class who warm up before the trainer starts the warm up how warm do you really need to be?
I don’t understand why you guys complain about never being able to finish a tube of chapstick, it usually only takes me 2 or 3 bites.
I just got a text saying they lost my cell number & could I send it. This is the level of stupid I deal with.
What’s an appropriate gift for a gender reveal party? A personalized fire extinguisher?
If your wife uses “I” it means she will be doing something. “We” means you will be.
*on first date*
Did you know that wool sweaters are the closest you can legally come to being inside a sheep?
Yesterday I bought 6 bags of Goldfish because I have children.
Today I have 6 opened bags of Goldfish because I have children.
When my son handed me my wallet I realized something important.
He’s a pickpocket.
I don’t let my husband pick up the groceries right now because I’m worried he’ll taste freedom and never come back.
If there’s anything more exhausting than having a face-to-face conversation with another human being I’ve yet to find it.
My mother always cooked with wine
while I was growing up back home.Occasionally she would even add
some to whatever she was cooking.
Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
*checks rear view mirror for the cop car I drove past 15 minutes ago*
Boss: why are your eyes red?
Me: I got shampoo in them
Boss: we’ve talked about this
Me: *sighs* don’t wash eyelashes
Boss: mhm
Me: but you can’t deny this volume
Boss: oh I am painfully jealous
Catwoman pushing Batman off a ledge
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?