Just saw Stuart Little hit a kid and keep driving
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I took my cat to Build-A-Bear so he could see what’s going to happen to him if he pees on the carpet again.
me: I really can’t stay
him: but, baby it’s-
me: *tail lights*
*warming hands near fire* In my day, we were tough. It would take you so long to get undressed after coming indoors that it was time to go out again. People lost hours, days. Some died mid-layer.
The wife is out of town so you know what that means. That’s right, unsupervised eating.
Drug Dealer: U have to tell me if ur a cop.
Cop: U have to tell me if ur a dealer.
DD: U sure?
Cop: Ya Im a cop, I know laws Oh damn it.
Her: I’m leaving you.
Me: Is it because I believe that I’m a transformer?
Her: Yes.
Me: Don’t leave me, I can change.
I don’t have ADD. It’s just that everything is more interesting than what I have to get done.
Lifting my wife’s wedding veil and finding out she’s Darth Maul
“these fit like a glove,” i whisper, sliding effortlessly into my five legged pants
Why you on this flight to LA?
“I’m shooting a pilot for a new TV series”
What’s it called?
“So you think you can emergency land a plane?”
i couldn’t figure out why i’ve had a headache all day until I heard 8 and 6 arguing about who remembered more about the emoji movie.
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
[Watching Jeopardy on TV]
…
Me: Who is Lady Jane Grey?Host on TV: You all got Final Jeopardy wrong. The answer is Lady Jane Grey
Me: I am the smartest person alive!
Husband: but you missed every other question in the episode.
Me:
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
An app that scans phone lines for fax machines and sends the word “why”.
My optometrist: Well, it’s normal as you age for…
I don’t know what he said after that.😑
That terrible moment when you realize the old man in your Facebook feed was a high school classmate.
i love having one cat who is an incredibly beautiful tragic princèss and one cat who is just like WGGLLBBYLAAAHHH
Facebook should figure out a way to make baby pictures into a renewable source of energy because then we would never have to worry again
i was just sitting in my car and someone confused me for an uber and now i guess we’re driving across the country to stop his ex girlfriend’s wedding because he still loves her
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
[showing a picture of a very healthy person to my doctor] I was thinking something a bit like this
Friend: How’s the new job?
Me: Can’t complain
Friend: What’s with the beeping collar?
Me: *starting to cry* Can’t complain
[after my murder]
COP: Can u think why anyone would want to kill him?
WIFE: Christ yes *starts Power Point presentation* Make yourself comfy
The afternoons I spent on my hair.
Franz Kafka, 1912.
When life hands you alligators, make gator aid.
the quokka and the viscacha look like they’re on opposite ends of the happiness spectrum