If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
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“Why don’t you cool it on the dressmaking,” I suggested to my wife. “You seamstressed.”
[dentist chair]
how’s school?
*I start talking, dentist notices his hand isn’t in my mouth*
oh sorry
*puts hand in my mouth*
how’s school?
Her: I’m into gymnastics.
Me: Me too.
Her: What kind?
Me: Parallel bars.
Her: Wow!
Me: Yup. I drink at this bar & the one across the street.
I used to make picture meals for my daughter until she got bored and asked me to stop.
I’m fairly confident I could live in a desert, I’ve gone years without drinking water.
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
But is it really??
The nice thing about a garage sale is having people pay you to haul your junk away.
*wife runs back into our house which is on fire*
What are you doing!?
W: I just want to straighten up a little before the firemen get here
The moment my kids get over the shock of my wife and me being the tooth fairy, I’m going to reveal that we’re also the dishwasher fairy, the laundry fairy, the playdate fairy, the school project fairy, the…
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog
if ever got invited to the Grammys, I’d go dressed as the girl from The Ring.
Jacob Marley: You’ll be visited by 3 gho—
Me: *already applying lipstick* Are they hot?
*moonwalks into office* *draws dual finger guns* *fires off seven shots at Annie from HR* *holsters guns* *gets chosen for random drug test*
The best thing about being an introvert is not having to wait on someone else to binge watch a show on Netflix.
idk if im pregnant or what but i been craving 3 million dollars so bad
Me: don’t you love it when you find $20 in a jacket pocket?
Guy [wearing a jacket that used to have $20 in it]: *distant yelling* hey get back here
When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
Diving is a sport cuz some people are really good at jumping into water.
At what point were people buying hotcakes so fast it set the bar?
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
My toddler is so unbelievably pumped for her birthday, she talks about it multiple times a day. Unfortunately, it’s still six months away. Please send help.
When someone at work asks you what you’re doing this weekend, just pull a lettuce leaf out of your pocket and slowly start licking it.
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
Am I the only one who just buys a new printer when the ink is gone? Also, does anyone want to make a sweet printer fort?
The first computer dates back to Adam and Eve.
It was an Apple with limited memory,
just one byte. And then everything crashed.
My diet was going really well until I woke up.