If there’s karaoke or no karaoke I’m not going
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What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
#HatDadJoke
Adulthood is when sleeping in is an acceptable birthday present.
How to NOT wear your Disney Jumper.
*bites nails*
Sorry. Bad habit. I haven’t been on a date in a while
“I can see why” she says, pulling her fingers out of my mouth
[internet meet up, 1999]
Maybe I shouldn’t go. They might murder me.
[internet meet up, 2019]
Definitely going. Hopefully they’ll murder me.
Life is like a box of chocolates. When it’s finished all you’ll have is a box.
My 6yo told me that I’m the best mom he’s ever had, and I was like wait… how many moms have you had? What happened to them? Are they ok? Please don’t feed me to the tigers.
It turns out that when you’re asked which kid is your favorite, you’re expected to pick from your own. I know that now.
They need a coach to help people deplane. “You can do this… grab your bag. You got it. Now go! GO! GO! Get off the plane, you idiot!”
Sleeping Beauty gave me entirely too much hope that there were spells to keep you asleep for years at a time.
My 9-year-old brought a guinea pig to the table for lunch. Then she left to get something from the kitchen. Now the guinea pig and I are just staring at each other. Awkward lunch for two.
me: this could’ve been an email
[gets email]
me: no not like that
The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
learning is so boring unless it’s gossip. teachers should just start every lecture like “omg did you hear about parabolas”
If I ever find someone I love as much as pizza…
…I will kill them. Nobody comes between me and pizza.
Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
Make a birthday wish for mutant lung power then blow away your cake, your party guests, your house, car, trees, etc.
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
I think Schrödinger would’ve really liked the microwave.
Kylo: I need an N to finish my favorite Vader quote.
Han: This is SpaghettiOs, not Alphabet Soup.
Kylo: Great. Now Vader says, “OOOOOOOO!”
Me: Time for bed, son. I don’t make the rules.
6: OK. But who makes the rules?
Me:
6:
Both of us: Mom.
Tweezers? Razor? Oh, hell no! By the time this is over, I’m going to need new shears and a lawn mower.
Don’t sell yourself short, in fact, don’t sell yourself at all. I’m pretty sure it’s illegal
Life is not a sprint, it’s a Marathon gas station that’s always out of your favorite drink and someone is always in the restroom when you need to go.
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
That moment when your 5 year old asks you if your 1 year old can go into the washing machine, and you really hope he isn’t already in there.
Son: so a bee’s stripes are to tell other animals to stay far away?
Me: yeah, kind of like-
*a jacked up, neon green trans-am with mud tires rolls by*
Son: like that?
Me: exactly like that
I don’t have to worry about my kids TP’ing houses on Halloween because apparently none of them know where the spare rolls are.
We save women and children first because the dads have to make sure all the lights are off and the thermostat is set appropriately.
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.