When people do a bunny impression they go straight for the cute little front paws. Not me. I fearfully sprint into traffic.
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When my wife sends me to the grocery store solo with a specific list I am not allowed to improvise. That was made clear when I got home.
I think I’m finally ready to find a boyfriend!
*Looks behind drapes
*Checks under the bed
*Searches back of closetIt’s so hard to meet people these days
I’m at 7%. My phone too. We both will probably die before I get off work.
My first job in retail taught me that the customer is always right. Until they’re out of earshot.
*calls lost & found*
Me: Have you seen my patience?
L&F: Hold on a second.
Me: *click*
I usually roll around in the magazine aisle at Barnes and Noble before a date because I want to smell nice, but I’m on a budget.
If an interviewer asks you: “Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” say “I don’t know, did you see me pull up in a DaLorean?”
“If you love the bed so much why don’t you marry it?”
*imagines beautiful ceremony on the beach, me & Beddy.
No one can stop our love now.
Girl in the locker room put her pants on the floor and tried to hop into them. I was going to call her awesomepants, but coma girl works too
Dog: *just lookin at me*
Me: go lay down
Dog: ok.
Cat: *kneading her claws into my stomach*
Me: *wincing* thank you
Cat: damn right thank you
After my virtual doctors appointment I had a nap so good that I forgot I was in Vegas, woke up, and scared the shit outta myself.
*watching the discovery channel* this isn’t very disco
Any time you see a mass suicide case on the news, you can pretty much assume the assembly of an IKEA product was the cause.
The only thing worse than discovering that celery is an aphrodisiac, is knowing that people who eat celery may actually have sex.
Shogun is a timeless and powerful reminder that no matter what country we come from, what language we speak, or what we believe in, we must unite against our common foe: the Portuguese
Life is short, unless you’re listening to a 5 year old describing an episode of PAW Patrol she thinks she saw
Country rooooads
Let’s-a goooo
It’s-a meeeee
MariooooooMushroom Kingdooom
Mama Miaaaa
Take me Hoooome
Rainbow Roaaad
My wife took me to the most amazing 3D movie I had ever seen last night. Half way through it I realized: we were at a play.
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
Just found out that “Shake what your mama gave you” is considered extremely offensive to amoeba.
I am so lucky that I can’t tell the difference between a heartfelt compliment and sarcastic disdain. Life is much easier when you’re dumb
[a rat runs into my kitchen]
Me: thank god you’re here, I have no idea how to make this bouillabaisse
[Friend] Kyle, u have to stop referring to your Ballet Club as a “gang”
[Me & my gang all do 2 pirouettes and stop in unison] “Not a chance”
*toddler screaming in car seat*
Husband: Sounds like someone needs a nap when we get home.
Me: I know. Totally. Wake me up around 4?
Had a dream that someone was gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper. Woke up to find my cat gently rubbing my forehead with sandpaper.
[on Shark Tank]
me: I believe you’ve misheard me –I said “nonstick PANTS”
Son #1 put our house on Yelp and left a review that said the food is good but the kitchen staff is grumpy.
“What skills would you bring to the apocalypse?”
Me: Um, brooding real hard.
Customer: can you get me some sandwich sauce
Waitress: mayo?
Customer: FINE, may you get me some sandwich sauce
I like to listen to Anu Malik’s music while I study because he is a constant reminder on why it’s important to get educated.