Cop: you’re going to prison for forgery
Me *slides him a 37 dollar bill* what about now
You Might Also Like
The yogurt was so far back in the cooler at the store, I almost ended up in an Aha video.
“This cereal tastes nothing like Pebbles.”
~Bamm Bamm
I’m at that age where I can no longer refer to other people as “elderly.”
*walks up to bouncer*
“sorry pal, this is a private country club”
*peeks inside*
[everybody’s fist pumping hard as heck to kenny chesney]
Someone asked who sang Johnny B Goode, and I said Marty McFly because I’m not an idiot and I know how time travel works.
I love how twitter uses little bluebirds to give the impression we are all sweet talkers. A couple of pterodactyls would be more realistic..
5: I cleaned my room.
Me: Great! Do you feel good? Sometimes it makes me feel good when I clean something.
5: No. Next time you can do it.
No more Geoffreys #GeoffreyBoycott
To the woman who just honked at me to leave this parking spot, I suddenly have dozens of urgent emails to respond to.
This is probably going to sound really gay, but the sunset is GORGEOUS right now and I love making out with dudes.
Therapist: so next time we feel that rage, we stop, we count down from five, and then we….
Me: …sweep the leg?
JUDGE: I find you guilty of murder. Sentenced to life.
LAWYER: But it was only 20 minutes of murder.
JUDGE: Oh, then you’re free to go.
me, to my kid: you have a job- you eat breakfast, you get dressed, brush your hair and teeth and put on shoes
my kid: I hate my job. I wanna quit.
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
What did Jay-Z call Beyoncé before they got married?
Feyoncé…
I thought my wife was joking when she said she wanted to go to a Monkees’ concert in Switzerland, then I saw her face, now I’m in Geneva.
“You haven’t changed since college” isn’t necessarily a compliment, it could mean that you looked 40 when you were 20. Have a great day!
Why does non alcoholic beer exist? Do people who manufacture it think we drink beer because of its taste?? We drink beer to message our ex at 2 am and tell her that we still miss her.
Victoria’s Secret, how may I help you?
Me: Yeah, um, I ordered the girl on page nine, but you guys only sent me her underpants?
*Buys map of world, pins up on wall
*Throws dart, swears to visit wherever it lands
*packs for wall 3 feet away
*has an amazing time at wall
8 just got annoyed that the cheese on his grilled cheese sandwich melted and is no longer square shaped…in case any of you were on the fence about having children.
“Alexa, call the police. I’ve been burgled.”
…
“Alexa?”
I’m so pro-life,
I believe life begins at erection.
Web MD should go ahead and sell caskets.
If you are going to make me scan my own groceries, give me an intercom too
[unleashes dog at dog park]
me: don’t embarrass me now
dog: i won’t*sees pretty girl*
me: hi, i’m–
dog: he drinks wine through a straw
Ok, seriously men… You can’t hear yourselves snoring, but the slightest crinkle of a chip bag, and you’re suddenly wide awake?!
just realized i have no idea what goes on inside a dishwasher after i hit the start button. for all i know there could be a tiny man in there washing each dish by hand.
Jokes on all you idiots hoarding toilet paper, I’ve been hoarding fast food napkins FOREVER so I am SET.
My 7YO was coloring in her room on her desk, now I’m wiping off the paint from every part of the house