Sip of coffee for me, sip of coffee for my shirt.
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Me: how is she?
Dr: well we’ve managed to save the leg
Me: oh thank god
Dr: she died
Me: …
Dr: so do you want the leg or what?
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
Body: Damn it was a long day. Let’s go to sleep.
Bladder: Even I’m done for the day.
Eyes: Ok I’m closing shop.
Brain: How do nudists clean their glasses?
i’m kinda confused by all the hbo max tweets. i thought we agreed to be poor together
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
when i mistake a brief silence during an argument with my wife as my turn to speak
No thanks, haunted houses. I can walk down the street at night being terrified some man is going to jump out at me for free.
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
If I see you wearing those toe shoes, I will call the police and give them your description every time a crime is reported on the news.
If you tell a sob story on American Idol they pick you, so it’s like Twitter
14 Valentine’s Day jokes that laugh in the face of Cupid
Daylight saving? I’m ready for daylight spending
My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
Remember friend.
A $5 iced latte a day is $25 a week, $100 a month, $1200 a year.
After 10 years.. that’s $12,000!
Which is still nowhere near enough to put a down payment on a house so enjoy your espresso in peace.
The only way to make a cat like you is to cancel plans with them and ignore their text messages.
Get off of twitter and pay attention to me
Netflix, probably
I want to marry somebody as funny as me. Imagine we both laughing because we forgot to pick the kids up from school
This hospital has everything
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
Am getting real tired of your crap…
Hubs: If you could sleep with…
Me: THOR!!!
Hubs: …the fan off tonight, that’d be great.
Me: Ohhhh…
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
[getting a number at a bar]
girl: 1-235-813-2134
Fibonacci: you could’ve just said you weren’t interested
911: what’s your emerg-
ME: I’VE BEEN SHOT
911: …why would you interrupt me like that?
damn even trashcans have a better love life than i do
Happy Febuary everyone!
No one in my entire life has believed in me more than the waiter who just gave me a single napkin to use while eating my lunch
“Mysterious, cerebral, suspense, drama”
Netflix are you describing a movie or my last boyfriend?
It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
Me: How was school?
6-year-old: Why do you always ask that?
Me: …because I want to know.
6: That’s not a very good reason.