My dog would have been disqualified if she was in that 100m final because she always goes on ‘ready’, the little cheat.
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Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
My neighbour keeps making cutting remarks like “you really need a better lawnmower”
People assume I am stupid because I am nice and smiley and a helper and that’s working out for me so why fight it
The midwest is a crazy place like it’s just corn and corn and corn and corn and then bam, viking restaurant.
Therapist sighs, sets down glasses, rubs the bridge of his nose. “For the last time, Christy, eating ham is not a life plan.”
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
When someone backs into your dad’s car in the same spot you nailed it with a basketball earlier, and now you don’t have to tell him about the the basketball, that’s a coincidents
I’m being stalked by my proctologist. He won’t stop colon me.
Stopped visiting friends because they have a child gate on the way to the upstairs bathroom I can’t figure out.
*wins $1000*
To claim your prize, create an account and password.
Ugh this will take forever, nevermind.
Reasons my 4yr old is crying:
She lost her very favorite book but she doesn’t remember the title or what it’s about.
Just saved two ants from drowning in the pool, so I assume they’re rushing back to their colony to tell everyone they were lifted to safety by the giant hand of god.
Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
I spend a lot of time trying to prevent the people who know something weird about me from ever meeting and exchanging information.
A spider jumped on my wife which made her stumble backwards and fall over her bag. Oh how I laughed!
Tweet posted from the guest bedroom.
Piss someone off by calling their dojo a karate store.
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
Today, I want to talk about white couches and why ignoring the conventional wisdom was a terrible, avoidable mistake, Annie.
Here’s a step by step guide to staircases
*gives you a handrail*
i worked at the public library for 3 years. whenever someone returned a book late, i charged the late fee to a fake account. by the time i quit, Mr. Calvin McHobbes of Sparks, Nevada owed $12,793 in overdue fines
if you encounter a bear in the woods, make your self as big as possible. Talk about how much money you make and how hot your girlfriend is.
I wanted to lose some pounds…..
So I went to the casino.
*first time at a Michelin restaurant*
Me: “One order of tires, please.”
Relieved to finally get a new microchipped debit card that provides added security to protect the $13.68 in my checking account.
5yo: That will be 5 dollars.
Me *handing her play money*
All I have is this 50.Hey! Where’s my change?
5yo: Sorry. I all I have is this 50.
them: big plans for the holiday weekend?
me:
“I need a woman like you in my life”
Aww thanks, I hope you find her lol
{At the last supper}
Group- “can you believe jesus just turned this water into wine!”
Me- {cutting up lines of table salt} “jesus, could you do me a favor?”
I did the universal sign for “call me” and my tween gave me a confused look and asked “on a banana?”