I often wonder who Pete is…
and why we do things for his sake…
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People Complain They’ve Been Cancelled; coming soon to prime time television.
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
turtles are just lizards who work in construction
Breaking Bad is my favorite documentary about what it takes to be an entrepreneur while balancing family life.
I accidentally vacuumed up a live spider, so I did the right thing and returned the vacuum cleaner to Costco.
My mom has a rule that we do nothing on Christmas that Jesus didn’t do. Apparently, Jesus drank a pitcher of martinis & hit on the caterer..
Taurus: Resist temptation in all its forms, but especially in the form of a pie sitting under a crate propped up by a stick with a string tied to it.
My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
VOTERS: we want to give a boat a ridiculous name
UK: no
VOTERS: we want to break up the EU and trash the world economy
UK: fine
Dear Lord..
ME: *reading a tweet* What does fr mean?
WIFE: For real
ME: Yes Sharon. I wouldn’t ask if I didn’t want to know.
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
Influencer doing makeup tutorial : this is so easy you can NOT mess it up
Me: oh honey…you have no idea
Have you tried sticking your head in a bag of rice?
-me, as a therapist
I had to go to a catholic mass for a funeral and it was the first one I’d been to in a long time and it’s funny the priest gets a bigger communion wafer than everyone else. This is Literally God and I get more of Him than all of you
If you love something, let it go. But if you love two things, space them out. For example, let a koala go at least three days before a lion.
Therapist: what was it like growing up?
Me: I just [reaches for tissues] kept getting taller.
I hate gender stereotypes.
Sometimes I give my son a drink in a pink cup and my daughter a drink in a blue cup, just to test their reactions.
Turns out they don’t like whisky.
[lying with girlfriend & looking up at the stars]
“Hey–”
*points to shooting star*
“You’ve put on a lot of weight.”
My mom, doing a crossword puzzle, asked me for a rapper named Dr. ___. I replied Dre, and she said “oh yeah I forgot about him”. She has no clue how funny this is.
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
You were the hot single in your area the whole time.
[2005, youtube’s first pitch meeting]
ok so basicaly its like if america’s funniest home videos was on 24 hrs a day on evrey computer–
SOLD
I’d like to thank the municipal snow plow for recreating the wall from Game of Thrones at the end of my driveway
Most people: I guess balloons are ok
Me:
self doubt: should I be this obsessed with lord of the rings
elf doubt: why didn’t rivendell share its prosperity with the rest of the races
*nervously plays with tie*
“I’m sorry. I’m no good during job interviews.”
That’s ok, just let go of my tie and go on your side of the desk.