My wife and I are sitting on the couch watching tv and I hear a text, realizing I left my phone in the kitchen, I get up, go to the kitchen to check it…
and its a text from my wife:
Please bring the chips on your way back
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People that use abbreviations like ppl, wyd, hmu, and idk – what do you do with all that time you saved?
Sex is great and all but have you ever been tased in a Dairy Queen parking lot?
somehow a bad experience with seafood is more powerful than a bad relationship
people will go back to a toxic ex, but never eat scallops again after puking once
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
We all have that special someone in our lives that we wish would get run over by a truck.
Cats are still liquid.
“if I am joking you would be laughing, do you look like you are laughing? “
My husband: (from the other room) Can you give me an update?
Me: Um, can you be more specific?
Husband: Let’s focus on this week
Me: Ok, so I’m trying a different dish soap because-
Him: (peeks head in) Can you please stop that? I’m on a work call.
My first husband always hated it when I called him my first husband.
My new credit card has this awesome theft protection where it just says “declined” whenever you use it.
*first day as a detective*
Partner: Three sets of prints, but only one body
Me: *nods* Yes. That means there’s *counts on fingers* more people that aren’t dead
My cat hissing at an empty chair is why I sleep in the attic.
David Attenborough, the confusing early years
luke, thats a persons name. whys everybodys star wars name gotta be like, hoobie doodoo or seb neb or something
“Come on man! I’m sure your superpower is cool! Show me!
“Ok” *stares at two glasses of soda* the diet is on the right.”
“Wow um..neat…”
My spirit animal took one look at me and went back to the spirit world.
Me: In this day and age, for a man to be preaching intolerance is unacceptable.
Wife: Big deal. So the doctor said you have to stop eating cheese.
I don’t understand how people in the Walking Dead are living in the zombie apocalypse and they still look more well rested than I do
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
I gotta work tomorrow? like, my job??? I have had 17 straight days off you expect me to remember what it is I do for a living
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
The first rule of hydration club is where is your restroom?
*points at houseplant*
no, YOU have a drinking problem!!
Honestly so convenient that oranges grow pre-sliced
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
Thank you to all those people doing boring jobs with titles we don’t understand.
If Michael Jackson wasn’t buried in his Thriller outfit, who will teach the zombies to dance in the upcoming apocalypse.
[stop light]
It will turn green in
5
4
3
2
1..
And
Now
It
Will
Turn
Greeeeeeeen
*turns green*
Ah yes nailed it.
Each time a person sneezes on an airplane, that sneeze circulates the entire airplane cabin before being filtered out by vents.
My Dad hasn’t had to buy Irish Spring bar soap in years, when I was 9 he found a pallet on sale at Meijer for 19 cents a bar and one day I will inherit the reminder of the 900 bar purchase.