I RELATE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP BECAUSE OF THE ROMANCE AND NOT BECAUSE I UNDERSTAND HOW DIFFICULT IT IS TO EAT SPAGHETTI WITH A DOG MOUTH
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I woke up with tons of motivation to go back to sleep.
My 6yo niece grabbed all the sharpies & uttered, “I’m testing something out.” I never knew this kind of fear existed.
Googling “Can computer problems be caused by too many boogers in the keyboard?”
#Caturday
I’m so excited to have the kids home from college until that first trip to the grocery store.
What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
Just bought a new pair of running shoes. Very excited to see how they look on the highest shelf in the closet.
“I’m a huge fan.” – Peacocks
Luke, I am your father. Man you should see your face right now. It’s all like waaaaaat no way.
[first day as termite inspector]
Me: These termites are fantastic.
“Dad this is better than Applebee’s”
Well if you need me I will be over here filling out my MasterChef application.
Why does everyone mention that in space no-one can hear you scream instead of mentioning something positive like how no-one can hear u yodel
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
[playing frisbee with my dog]
Me [out of breath]: boy, you’re a lot heavier than I thought
How do horror writers compete with current events?
me: I need a really lengthy snake
pet shop guy: how many feet?
me: none
PRO SURVIVAL TIP: Don’t go through that door that mysteriously opened all by itself in that 300 year old hotel with a tragic past.
Whenever І wake up and see that someone has wrіtten a bunch of funny tweets before noon, І assume they are a mornіng drіnker.
the avengers: “the city is saved”
the city:
the worst thing ever is when you go to the dentist after ten years of not having insurance and the dentist is like why did you let this get this bad?? i don’t know bro why do you charge $20,000 for an x-ray
My text: Have a good day at school!
My son’s text: Thanks. I forgot to have you sign something. Can you show me how your signature looks.
Luke: You could hide anywhere in the galaxy and you picked a swamp?
Yoda: Afford anything nicer, I couldn’t. Shitty credit, I have.
[Eulogy]
Bicyclist’s Widow: He died doing what he loved; Shouting that he had the right of way.
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
You can tell it’s laundry day because I’m wearing flippers and a Viking helmet
Me in the future: Son, you’re going to go far.
Son, fiddling with the catapult straps: I question your judgment daily.
When I say that I’m on low battery and can’t talk, rest assured I’m never talking about my phone.
No member of any family has the same interpretation of the sentence “We need to leave in ten minutes.”