How does Darth Vader like his steaks? Done done done done da done done da done.
Please don’t block me.
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Husband: *opens jar of salsa*
Me: That looks like my period
Me: Who’s a good boy?
Dog: I thought we settled this.
Does Target have crack floating through their air vents? Went in to buy milk, came out with a giraffe, 6-pack, someone’s kid, and a headache
[dj voice] “What’s up Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“I wanna know, IS IT GETTING HOT IN HERE?!?”
[dads in unison] DON’T TOUCH THE THERMOSTAT
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”
Never understood why ghosts haunt old, dusty houses. If I was a ghost I’d haunt Hawaii or Bali
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
Me: Do you love me?
Husband: What did you break this time?
police: DROP YOUR WEAPON
me: places my self-deprecating humor gently on the ground
Damn you, Autocorrect !
Why do you keep changing a word
into something that makes no sense ?You are the banner of my existence.
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
Motherhood is complicated because we’ll share our whole body with our kids, but not our snacks.
My Cat turned up his nose at his new gourmet food so after a logical discussion failed to persuade, I pretended to eat some and it blew his mind. Anyway, he’s eating it now.
[first date]
Bruce Wayne: “please tell me you’re a dog person, i’m so done with cat women”
I found your suicide note and corrected some grammatical errors. You’re good to go.
I grew up before google, and as a kid I didn’t know bread was slang for money. Spent my childhood wondering why they put bread in Billy Joel’s jar.
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
I sleep naked because I want burglars to feel weird.
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
They say you are what you eat but I don’t remember eating a short, fat lady.
Vince Vaughn supports the right to carry guns in public. So if you ever wander into 1 of his movies, you can just shoot yourself.
my New Year’s Eve plans:
– sleep until 11:59 PM
– wake up to watch the ball fall
– practice writing 2024 a few times
– go to bed
You’re not an “empath”.
You have “chronic heartburn”.
Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
[reading of my fathers will]
Lawyer: and I bequeath to my son $100k as-
Me: heh, bequeath
Lawyer: long as that immature vomit fondler doesn’t laugh at the word ‘bequeath’
Me: he didn’t even have $100k, did he?
Lawyer: no, he just knew
I have just boarded a cable car in Singapore.
The family I have joined have said very loudly to their kids in Mandarin that ‘this old, white guy is very heavy. Better come to our side to balance it out.’
Sometimes I wish I had forgotten all my Mandarin.
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
deleting dating apps because I want to meet someone the old fashioned way (he and his donkey rescue me from a tower guarded by a dragon)
Kids be like “That is the funniest thing I’ve ever heard” and it’s just the word duty.