What if we joined gangs based on our favorite pasta shape?
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Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
Sometimes I’ll purposely spill gravy
on my pants to give me an excuse
to leave early.
The real trick is sneaking the gravy
into church.
Been married a few times. Always the bride, never the bridesmaid
CUTE GIRL IN BAR: *walks up, points to my empty glass* Want another?
ME: (OK don’t blow this) Sure
*she hands me her empty glass & leaves*
Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
I hope this cauliflower salad I’m bringing to the BBQ gets me laid.
If you people would’ve used a little more alizarin crimson like Bob Ross told you to, none of this would be happening right now
Me: I’m not cleaning that up
Clifford the Big Red Dog: you have to
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
Video games really overstate the likelihood that your health will improve if you consume an item you find in a public bathroom.
It’s freedom of expression.
Grocery Store Manager: sir you were holding a potato in a tiny cage and threatening the store potatoes
Son: I still dont get why people marry.
Me: Well son, when a man & woman love each other very much they make a series of horrible decisions
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
Ladies, if he:
– is hairy
– has trouble communicating
– is 1′ 4″
– wears a deerstalker hat
– solves mysteriesHe’s not your man. He’s Detective Pikachu.
The audacity per square inch in a 3 year old is unmatched at any age.
wife: I should have never let you take that morse code class
me: shhh *listening to the hail hit our roof* the storm is talking to me
Tinder isn’t a babysitting app. Apologies to Crystal and Janine for the misunderstanding.
The legends speak of a third Duran…
a fun thing about Nova Scotia is that our most popular tourist attraction is a place with 4 million signs reading “you’re probably gonna die if you stand on these rocks” and almost every year someone stands on the rocks and dies anyway
“Make yourself at home.” they say, then it’s “Ma’am please put your bra back on.”
Make up your mind, library story time, make up your mind!
back in the day nobody sent birthday messages, you had to mail out party invites and wait 3 weeks to discover 80% of your friends hate your guts
The /r/ubiquiti subreddit has been going back and forth the last few days on who can make the shortest ethernet cable and it’s been seriously cracking me up.
cat people: dogs are fine
dog people: cats are sent from the devil
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
TMNT gave me unrealistic expectations of city sewer systems.
[Interview]
“Tell me your weaknesses”
Me: Well, I..
*wife busts in* He’s a mouth breather, leaves the toilet seat up, forgets to take out th
All I wanna do is
*BANG BANG BANG*
And *cash register noise*
And eat some hummus
SORRY I GOT IN THE VAN AND ATE ALL OF THE CANDY AND NOW YOU DON’T KNOW WHAT TO DO WITH ME.