Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
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People keep telling me I behave like a man so I’m currently working up the courage to tell my husband he’s gay.
The bills are washed, the dishes are paid, the laundry’s in the oven. I’m going to bed.
Doctor: you’re not going to make it
Me: give me a number doc
Doctor: 8
Me: *pees into a cup 8 feet away*
Doctor: damn son
Yes, my name is Kirk
Yes, my parents were Star Trek fans
Yes, I never heard these questions before
Yes, you are good at icebreakers
*buys dog organic, free-range, non-nitrate chicken treats for $7.99, buys self Big Mac
I’ve just checked and there’s no mention about sexting in the 10 commandments so we’re good to go.
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
Got banned from another museum for trying to jump into the paintings.
If someone has a second baby, tell them it is better than the last one.
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
ARE YOU A MAN OR A MOUSE?
“Haha a man obviously”
*Detective places cheese on table*
*suspect starts to sweat*
WAITERS: alright, what are we thinking for starters?
ME: well, charmander is usually my go-to but squirtle is good as well
*pretends to throw ball*
*dog runs to chase it*
Ha, stupid dog.
*dog keeps running, disappears over horizon*
Um
*dog tackles me from behind*
Room with a view.
I just want to be as strong as the bond between two five gallon buckets
Me: What did you do today while I was at work?
Dog: Me? Nothing. Just slept.
Me: I think you’re lying.
Dog: *visibly sweating* why do you say that?
[pizza delivery]
Girl: Is there an other way I can pay you? *bites lip*
uh HELL YEAH!
*pulls out phone*
see that RT button?
I self medicate, therefore you live.
Having a tan is attractive. Having skin sponsored by Doritos isn’t.
[drops your baby]
Me: shit, sorry. Let me get you another one
Toss the darts, treat the wounded, tally the points. Repeat until only one child remains.
I’m a lot like a 3 legged table: I make dinner very uncomfortable
Hahaha this stupid baby on the bus thinks they can cry louder than me
what is your skin care routine? mine is mac n cheese
Dear Couples Who Fight In Public, stop trying to whisper and would it kill you to include some backstory.
Found out that my girl puts peas in her Mac n Cheese… Our whole relationship is a lie… Why couldn’t she just sleep with someone else like a normal person?
WIFE: ugh I hate this slow cooker
SLOTH [still putting his apron on] I hate you too, Sharon
You can’t rush stupid.
‘He looks just like you’ is my favorite way to tell someone that their baby is ugly.