Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
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My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
friend: man, I honestly don’t believe she’d cheat on me
me: look, Gary, you can’t keep burying your head in the sand about this
ostrich at next table: OMG Devon, he did NOT just say what I think he said
I refuse to eat the food I just begged for.
-Kids
“You know what, we need a huge spoon to take care of this” -Guy who invented shovels
Is this a make-up removing cloth or 60 grit sandpaper?
Who chose this font
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
[plastic surgeon holds mirror up to my face]
ME: What happened!? I’m a monster!
DOCTOR: We had to postpone your surgery.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
“I’m so tired of being poor and unemployed,” says the TV show character who wears a new designer outfit in every scene
When someone you don’t like is eating them, chips sound like 1000 asteroids smashing into the polar ice caps.
Parents waiting for election results like “This is nothing. I’ve waited for my kid to finish telling me about a dream they had.”
For my next trick I will bust 8 kneecaps with a single kick.
*steps on a spider*
I always carry a knife because cake, and murder.
When the devil buys your soul he makes you sign a contract because even though he is pure evil he has an unshakable respect for tort law.
Hi you’ve reached my voicemail, this is by far one of the absolute worst ways to get in touch with me….leave a message.
I ain’t never seen a alligator so happy to be getting a toothbrush bath 😭
The guy behind the counter asked me what I wanted on my sub and I said a collar and restraints and now I’m not allowed in Subway.
The voices in my head have been quiet for a while. They probably broke something.
JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
There’s something mentally wrong with people who ask other parents if their baby isn’t the cutest baby they’ve ever seen
wife: You’re home early
me [hugging the dog] I had to see you
A t-shirt gun outfitted for Costco hotdogs.
My favorite part of The Nun Is when the priest goes “You’re gonna need a bigger nun.”
I now realize that my mom did not actually have eyes in the back of her head. She just did as I do, randomly yell out “stop it” every 30 min
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
I just ate what I thought was a feta cheese crumble from my salad off my shirt. Turns out it was deodorant. So how’s your day going?
CEO: Long lines. Bad parking. No shade. Crying kids. $7.00 drinks. We need a good name.
ETHAN: How about “amusement park”?
CEO: [under breath] Genius
“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
I can’t remember a time in my life when an update for Acrobat Reader wasn’t available.