JESUS: I shall turn water to wine
JUDAS: Actually wine is 85% water so that’s only 15% miracle
JESUS: This is literally the WORST betrayal
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At McDonalds looking at the menu through opera binoculars.
Why did they think the horses would be able to reconstruct Humpty? They don’t have any engineering/surgery knowledge, or thumbs, for that matter.
In California, there’s just “pot” at the end of the rainbow.
i was doing yard work today when i stopped to tell a pile of leaves how cold fusion works. needless to say they were blown away.
[construction site]
NEW GUY: can i use your hammer
OLD TIMER: no it’s mineFOREMAN: guys remember we’re building a mcdonalds
NEW GUY: can i use your mc hammer
OLD TIMER: u can’t touch this
Her: Hey, I was just thinking about you.
Me: Isn’t it fun?
*falls down several flights of stairs, breaking multiple bones*
ME: *into headset mic* I’m in
Zen master: Do you possess the Buddha nature?
Me: Well, I’ve spent 49 days under a tree. But that was just laziness.
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
Friendly reminder from your Cats: if you’re not brushing them now, you’ll be picking up hairballs later. Ok yes, it’s a threat.
I’ve been watching HGTV with my wife for the past two hours, and just once – just ONCE – I would like to see a couple looking for a home who hates entertaining.
Actually Jennifer, diamonds are a girls best friend, so technically I slept with your second best friend
What do you call a reluctant potato?
A hesi-tato
😂
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
I don’t have Facebook I use the police to tell my friends and family when I’m doing badly
ME: I’ll have the steak, medium-rare please
WAITER: Sure, would you like anything on the side?
ME: To be totally candid I’d like it all on the plate
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
Drawing fake track marks on my arm so I don’t have to hold anyone’s baby at Thanksgiving.
That hospital class on parenting I took didn’t include enough wrestling tips.
The neighbor’s 5yo keeps yelling “are we boyfriend and girlfriend” across the fence at my 5yo, and my kid just came running in the house and slammed the door, so I guess that answers that
i bring a card table with me where I go for thanksgiving in case the host’s furniture is too heavy to flip
I like arugula because it’s good for me, delicious, and an old fashioned car horn sound.
wife: WHO LOADED THE DISHWASHER?
[cut to me sitting at a bus station waiting to start my new life]
so imagine going to the store.. buying rolls of plastic.. tape.. etc.. and after the cashier is done.. “anything else?” and say “oh sorry.. forgot this” and pull out dexter.. the complete series out of the cart…. when they ask how you’re paying “uhhh we’re going with cash”
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
“Wow, that’s great!”
~ Me, not paying attention, and hoping you didn’t just tell me your Grandma died.
My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
I used to have poor judgement before Twitter, now I have poorer judgment