Stick with me and you’ll go places.
None of them good, but still.
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Don’t bring up something I said 30 minutes ago. I’m a different person, I’ve changed since then.
Me: *holding a devil’s food cake*
Satan:
Me:
Satan: Give it back…
Me: Go ahead.
Waiter: Huh?
Me: You’re staring at my hair. Go ahead & touch it.
Waiter: There’s a leaf in it.
When I try to follow a YouTube natural makeup tutorial.
Everybody mad at me like it’s common knowledge to wait til after the eulogy before you start clapping. Sorry I didn’t go to funeral college.
I’m sick of this one horse town
*moves to two horse town*
No, no, this is too much
Call me when they release “Barbie vs. Godzilla.”
“Alexa, take down the Christmas decorations.”
i am:
⚪️ a man
⚪️ a woman
🔘 living in the year 2021looking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 a way out
At the disco last night.
They played twist. I did the twist.
They played jump. I jumped.
They played come on Eileen. I got kicked out.
I’ve been with my bf for a little over a year now and my future mil has already vowed to never speak to me again. How was I chosen for this blessing? Did I win some kind of award?
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive.
How to woo a woman
Sorry I changed your ringtone to Salt-N-Pepa’s “push it” and called you a bunch of times during your colonoscopy.
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
had a weird insomnia so i put on a movie (Interstellar). i loved it. it made me cry twice and gave me the chills once but it absolutely didn’t help me sleep
My kid pausing YouTube to decide what snack she wants is the new turning down the car radio when you’re lost.
2008- This Master’s degree is going to change my life!
2019- I’ve got the worst pajamas in this dollar store.
My husband told me I’d better stock up on my wine in case we get quarantined. Maybe he really does still care about me.
[father and son riding bikes together]
dad, how’d you get so good?
[doing a wheelie] I’ve had a lot of DUIs
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: [looks at lawyer]
Lawyer: [mouths “not guilty”]
Me: hot milky
L: *bangs head on desk* FFS just lock him up
same vibe as tangled headphones
Sometimes I get shivers in my spine just thinking about how much tougher Popeye would’ve been if he’d eaten fresh spinach instead of canned.
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
Otters see a butterfly.
280 characters, baby, and you know what that means:
OXFORD COMMAS.
OXFORD COMMAS AS FAR AS THE EYE CAN SEE!
boss: have u finished that project
me: hey rome wasn’t built in a day
boss: it’s been a month
me: rome wasn’t built in a month
boss:
me: [googling “how long did it take to build rome”]
Netflix: *30 seconds into an Adam Sandler comedy* Are you still watching?
Me: (checks Duolingo to see if there’s a lesson plan to learn the new weird slang my middle school kid uses unironically on a regular basis)