If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
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grocery shopping while hungry feels like online shopping while drunk
Omg 🤣
I wrote “except zombies” on my welcome mat so I know I’ll be safe during a zombie apocalypse.
OBGYN : What are you using for birth control?
Me: my personality
Margo: And why is the snow all wet, TODD?
Todd: I don’t KNOW, Margo!
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
Life is a balance as you age. You lose hair, hearing and keen eyesight but you gain insight, experience and a lot of weight. Bad trade.
The funniest part about The Bachelor is the participants actually think being married is a prize.
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
I like my ex’s like I like my coffee…
Ground up and in the freezer
If my pizza delivery guy isn’t blasting Lionel Richie’s “Hello” from his car when he rings my doorbell, I make him go back and start over.
wife [talking to her pregnant friend] No matter how old they get you always have to remind them to do the dumbest things
me *walks out of the bathroom*
wife: Did you wash your hands?
me *goes back in the bathroom*
Them: Sex without marriage is a sin.
Me: Well, technically, I am married, just not to him.
*Skynet becomes self aware*
*Starts a blog*
How dude HOW?!
David Attenborough: Many animals have been known to seemingly freeze when encountering bright lights at night.
Me: *opening refrigerator* Good thing that doesn’t happen to huma-
[Dr.]
“Your blood is 40% cheese, if you eat ANY more you’ll die”
*slowly raises piece of cheese to mouth*
“Don’t do it”
*eats cheese*
*dies*
they should invent an apple tv remote that doesn’t turn off your movie unplug your tv and delete all your accounts if you breathe on it the wrong way
ppl always judge adam & eve for listening to the talking serpent but u never hear a single person say anything about dr doolittle
I’ll say one thing for 2020: it stopped all those stupid “Keep calm and” things in their tracks
Him: I know your secret
Me:*nervously sweating, remembering my Netflix history* Yeah?
H: You killed someone
M: *relieved* Oh, haha. Yep
Seriously, if you go to Central or South America to visit ancient ruins and you don’t dress as Indiana Jones, what’s even the point? Bonus points if you can get the whip through customs.
Coworker: Guess what I’m doing this weekend.
Me: No
When the DJ puts Thriller on at the wedding
I don’t use Tinder, I meet girls the old school way: never
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
Coffee is cheaper than bail
Starbucks – You sure about that?
I got laid off from Twitter for accidentally reacting with 😂 instead of 🔥 on a sexy dm room pic.
My therapist thinks I should keep coming in for at least one more washer & dryer