If I were a cashier I’d pretend people were waiting in line to kiss me.
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After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
Everything goes as planned when nothing’s planned.
Everyone talks shit about the Salem Witch Trials but there hasn’t been a witch attack in like 300 years.
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
Me: I miss sushi
Also me: eyeballing your aquarium
My 3yo is mad at me because her birthday isn’t the same as her older sister’s…
Send help!
[unaware grindr isn’t an app for skateboarders] I’d love to meet at the park
Boys who wear sports jerseys are just cosplaying athletes but no one is ready to have that conversation yet.
One thing they teach in nursing school is when your patient is being questioned by police, to step in with “that’s enough for today, he needs to rest” right after he gives a key piece of information, but one sentence short of him telling the whole story.
Werent we promised soylent green by now?
Hey electric toothbrush makers-
I don’t think they’re tall enough. One fell over on the counter and only took out four more toothbrushes, two deodorants, a hand soap dispenser, and a scented lotion.
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
My parties got a hundred times better when I realized if I didn’t invite anybody I could eat all the snacks.
My phone says connected but somehow I don’t feel it
HELLO FELLOW HUMAN TEENS I HEARD THE COOLEST PLACE FOR US TEENS TO HANG OUT IS The Colossal Pillar of Wasp Eggs LETS GO DO NOT BRING WEAPONS
“Doesn’t it feel good to Payless?” no, i want to be rich & shop at good stores
My daughter is so critical…
“Another cup of coffee?”
“That’s a lot of salt.”
“Your pants are on inside out. Again.”
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
If you apologize and someone says “you’re fine” they want to kill you
If a woman looks sad, tell her “You’d be pretty if you smiled more” and you won’t see her looking sad anymore because you will be dead.
[when it’s my turn to introduce myself to the group] Hi my name is Tim and I didn’t hear any of your names cause I was so nervous about my turn and I probably won’t hear the next three or so cause I’ll be thinking about the weird way I said “nervous,” glad to be on the team
[roommate hears me come in]
“how was the date?”
[face sucked back and teeth showing like im skydiving] apparently, I’m allergic to shellfish
*returns tent to Target*
CASHIER: What was the problem?
ME: The packing implied that there would be a family that loves me inside the tent
*holds Google Translate up to my kid’s mouth as he mumbles through a story with food in his mouth*
It has come to my attention that I may be the only person in the world that keeps gloves in my glove box.
The best part of being old for the holidays? Nobody bats an eye when you ‘randomly fall asleep’ in the middle of a conversation.
finally
Husband: “They say humans are not meant to multitask.”
Me: *cooking dinner while holding toddler while signing permission slip with foot while shooting lasers from eyes at him* “You don’t say.”
My favorite farside!!
[talking to a date]
“I hate rushing into relationships.”
[talking to a new friend]
“I’m tired of dating. Run away with me & we’ll get married in Vegas. We can start a raccoon farm outside of town & grow old together. No one can stop us.”