After dieting for a week and losing nothing, I cheated one day and gained a pound. Follow me for more reasons to run into a brick wall head first.
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In Michelin star restaurants, Sloppy Joes are called Untidy Josephs.
Toddler: What’s for dinner?
Me: Fish cakes.
Toddler [wide eyes]: FISH CAKES!? Is there frosting?!
Me:
Me:
Me:
Me: ……. Sure.
[sets up grandfather’s first computer]
ME: Okay, Grandpa… Just call me if you have any questions or problems.
[phone rings one hour later]
ME: Hello?
GRANDPA: WebMD says I’m pregnant.
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
Whenever my daughter starts a sentence with “I saw this Tik Tok that said…”, I know I’m in for some sound advice
Watching Jeopardy backwards would be about a panel of 3 people asking Alex Trebek questions that he always gets right.
Me, mumbling: There’s a reason they don’t let parents drop off teenagers at the fire station.
My fifteen-year-old son: They will never be able to extinguish my fire.
Harsh but fair
Met a baby named Phil today. He gave me his business card.
My top 3 assumptions when doorbell rings:
1. Murderer
2. Police telling me everyone is dead
3. That book I ordered about positive thinking
Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
What did Jay-Z call his girlfriend before getting married?
Feyonce.
*drops mic, throws up dynasty sign*
Wife : The neighbours are banging on our front door again.
Me : Why can’t they do it in a bed, like normal people?
Why do fifty percent of marriages end in divorce?
Well, I’m guessing it’s because the other fifty percent can’t afford lawyers.
wife: [angrily getting up from table] can we please buy a bed?!
as a kid: i have to save up for this toy
as an adult: i have to save up for this rent
Interview:
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
*I look at my watch then lean in*
How much time do you have?
I find old cables in my house that I know I should throw out but then I’m like ‘nah I better keep that just incase someone comes round with a nokia n95 and needs to connect it to a fax machine’.
Body: ok sleepy time.
Brain: ok thinky time.
Asking people if they’ve started watching that show I recommended so they stop messaging me when I’m not in the mood to chat.
The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
Coral is stupid in my opinion. You’re a rock that can die? Sounds like the worst of both worlds but “you do you”
The endings of Lost and Game of Thrones each cost me a television.
Today I met people who had twin 6 month old babies, and they would not even let me have the one that really liked me. Selfish.
Hey remember that snarky insult you threw my way three weeks ago? Well now I have comeback so please repeat it.
Apparently, the sonogram machine is to see unborn babies in the womb
I thought it was for making you age 10 years. Instantly
You can tell a lot about a person by eavesdropping in on their conversations in the bathroom.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
car not found
Good morning to everyone except my son who asked why I haven’t had a real boyfriend in years.