Boss: Working at home is the same as working on location. Our technology will alert us if your computer screen goes into sleep mode, so don’t get distracted from your job.
[ working from home ]
Me:
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careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
8:00AM *starts peeling an egg*
4:00PM *finishes peeling an egg*
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
I like the murder hornets. So sick of all the negativity.
Make friends with an enemy today. Hug them. Caress their cheek. Lick their eyeball. Cough directly into their mouth.
is it thunder or is someone rolling out their garbage cans to the curb
Me: You can’t stay home by yourself.
8-year-old: You can trust me, Dad. I’m responsible.
Me: You’re holding nunchucks.
8: I’m holding nunchucks responsibly.
Sunday Family Dinner:
Mother In Law: Isn’t that your third glass of wine?
Me: Isn’t that your third husband?
MIL:
M:
MIL:
M: Gravy?
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
“We will wed,” I threatened
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
sneaking out of costco with extra samples like
I’m a great multitasker. I can listen to you tell me your name and forget it at the exact same time
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
Neighbor was pissed because Scrappy was barking this morning, I told him well you can’t get upset it’s what dogs do, especially after finding human bones in the yard.
Elijah Wood looking like he does and only being 18 months younger than me is why I should start drinking more water and washing my face at night.
*slips the attendant $20* “make sure you pick me out a good one”
Sir this is a daycare…
“uh huh *winks* a daycare”
Rocky is my favourite movie about beating meat
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
The most magical part of the holiday season is when my husband looks lovingly into my eyes and says, what did we get my mom for Christmas?
I TRADED MY ALARM CLOCK FOR A KOALA SO I CAN SLEEP UNTIL HE STARTS BEGGING FOR LEAVES WHICH’S LIKE 3 DAYS
What idiot called it hoarding, and not Stock Home Syndrome?
🎶 That’s me in the corner
That’s me in the spot light
Eating a banana 🎶
Son: What’s dehydrated milk?
Wife: It’s milk without water. Basically a white powder.
Me: Moocaine
Wife: Why are you like this?
[watching Titanic]
*leans over to my wife* That iceberg might be problematic.
We didn’t think of the ecosystem when we abolished Mondays. Dying of starvation, we watch as our crops are devoured by millions of Garfields
Why can’t there be nostril pattern baldness?
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
I preface this by stating that I love my local library but, seriously, how difficult would it be for them to add a bar? Nothing fancy – just a few spirits, domestic beer. But oh no, apparently there are ‘other places’ better suited to accommodate such things!