careful fellas!
when you text a girl, you also text like 7 of her other friends.
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I walked into a pub with my wife..
The Bartender asked: Would you like a drink for your wife?
I said That sounds like a fair swap
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
I always wanted to be just like Flo Rida. That’s why I changed my name to “New Ham Sure”
Can y’all please stop posting obi-wan spoilers? I’m not going to watch it I just don’t want to hear about it anymore.
“Are you making the aquarium pets fight again?”
“NO,” I exclaim, quickly putting Octopus Prime and MegaPrawn back into the tank.
Humans become vets but animals never become doctors. How about returning the favour for once? We spend five years training to keep animals healthy. Most animals can’t even be bothered to live that long.
I could never kill someone…
Not one of my knives cuts properly. Not even to cut an onion.
wicked witch: I’ll get you, my pretty, and your little dog too
john wick: *blushing* you think i’m pretty?
*pulls away from kissing*
batman, is this why I’m your sidekick?
Sometimes I think about when I told my 10 year old he could be like me when he grew up because I was trying to be cool and he said YAY, I GET TO LAY ON A HEATING PAD ALL DAY
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
Wanna go out with me?
Make an awkward face for yes.
Name the entire periodic table for no.
next question.
An eye for an eye and a tooth for a tooth
~ realistic wedding vows
someone’s job on Star Trek TNG was sourcing ridiculous little cups and they were incredible at it
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
Me: i never know what to say
Friend: just say something nice[later]
Date: hi
Me: 69
Running with scissors is stupid. Throw the the scissors ahead of you and run to where they landed. Repeat until you arrive safely at your destination.
I left my kids with a list of things for them to do today because apparently I like to be optimistic & disappointed at the same time.
[Congress]
MARK ZUCKERBERG: if you do not harvest your crops in a timely manner on Farmville they will die, I cannot stress this enough
The odds of Jesus coming a second time are about the same as those of ANY man coming a second time. #amirightladies
Releasing a bunch of snakes in my neighborhood because I feel like the chatter on NextDoor is getting a little stale.
Oysters are an aphrodisiac because they figure if you swallow that, you’ll swallow anything
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
Welcome to Super Villain University. Please refer to the enclosed packet for a sample course offering:
If they didn’t want to see me twerk at this PTA meeting they shouldn’t have asked if I had any skills I could bring to the table!
the moral of the Phantom of the Opera is that sometimes there’s this weird guy who is impossible to deal with
WHY ARE THEY STILL PLAYING CHRISTMAS COMMERCIALS?
Me watching recorded TV shows
no, babe. i haven’t seen your glasses.