Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“every family has that one huge weirdo”
“NOT MY FAMILY!” I shout as I quickly exit the room, my six ducks on leashes in hot pursuit.

Me: why are you not drinking your milk?

3: it’s too cow-ey

What I really love about Air Fresheners is how it makes your bathroom smell like someone just shit in your rose garden…

ME: Avenge my death
CO-WORKER: That’s just a paper cut
ME: [coughs, grabs his collar] DON’T YOU NORMALIZE THIS

They say ‘No news is good news,’ but I think it just means I have a lazy paperboy.

me: someone stole my glasses

cop: what did they look like

me: blurry

[first day as geologist]

me: *mouth full of dirt* the crust is the best part

Overindulged this afternoon.

FBI Agent: You’re accused of attempting to hijack a Mentos truck & drive it into a Diet Coke bottling plant
Me: …
FBI: …I kind of want to see that
Me: I KNOW, RIGHT?!

I don’t know what it means, but my stomach just made a sound I once heard in the woods back in 1993.

5: Daddy, where do fish come from?
Me: Finland
5: Ohhhhhhh

[first day as a pilot]

control tower: what are your coordinates

me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion

control tower: can you be more specific

me: simba

[at a loud bar]
HIM: [yelling] DO U HAVE ANY PLANS AFTER THIS?
HER: [also yelling] YES I DO ACTUALLY HAVE PLANTS THAT I KISS

After 9 months and 347 pics of you being pregnant you REALLY only need to post one pic of the baby as proof.

We believe you.

i saw a single tiktok in which a woman mispronounced gnocchi “yonkees” and unfortunately for everyone in my life i am going to say it that way forever now.

My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT

Jesus was the original child star who fell in with the wrong crowd and died young.

How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now

How to kill a spider: get a piece of tissue paper, approach it slowly, and very carefully, burn the house down.

What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?

Sex at my age is like cooking spaghetti noodles;

At first, it doesn’t seem like much, but any more, and you’re in over your head.

I don’t want your pity sandwiches. I mean I’m still gonna eat them and enjoy them. But I don’t want them.

Prime Day landing on the same day I get my period?
I need a bigger cart

Just found out I’ve failed my biology exam. Obviously I’m not happy about it but I guess I’ll have to take it on the sticky out bit just below my speak hole.

I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.

[Fortnite with 9]

9 y/o: Dad can I make you party leader?

Me: Sure, why?

9 y/o: So we can have easier matches since you’re so bad.

*Tucks shirt in*
“Goodnight, shirt.”

deleting my mental health to focus on my social media

doctor: we’ve had your results back

me: what’s it look like

doctor: a piece of paper with numbers on

“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.