I think it’s sad that getting married is one of the only ways to guarantee somebody will be forced to make a speech about how great you are
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The number of supermarket loyalty cards I have suggests I am anything but.
Russian computer: “Enter password”
Me: “Beef stew”
Russian computer: “Password not stroganoff”
After a long day of tweeting I like to relax with a hot cup of wtf am I doing with my life?
How can anyone focus on world peace when we can’t even get everyone to use the same date format?
I’m not humiliating myself here for 3 likes. 5 maybe but not 3.
The first few seconds of a tiger attack are when it’s critical to make the “pspspspsppsp” noise
whats the most professional email sign off that implies if you have to follow up in any way you’re prepared to put the recipient in a wood chipper? for me it’s thanks.
Your tweets are so boring the NSA just unfollowed you.
[pumpkin patch]
Cinderella: how many miles on this one?
Farmer: please stop kicking them
Nothing is creepier than watching someone hula hoop with a serious look on their face.
I got a squished spider tattooed on the palm of my hand so I can walk around slapping people, no questions asked.
To whoever is going out with my ex, please step up your game because He is still texting me.
I finally got eight hours sleep. Took me four days but whatever.
me, after scolding my kids: *walking away*
son: ALEXA, play the Imperial March
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
Walnuts aren’t the same when they’re not surrounded by a brownie.
Me: I’m eating for two now.
Him: Oh, are you pregnant?
Me: Nooooo. Is that what that means?
I’ve written a book called, ‘How Not To Get Conned Out Of Your Money’.
It’s available in all good bookshops priced £149.99.
“I’m a night owl”
all owls are night owls. you are a regular owl.
The concept of “raining men” is a terrible thought and I wouldn’t be surprised if it happened in 2020.
A coworker just told me that “it is what it is” and I have never felt so enlightened.
Driving in Europe vs Canada
Me: being single is bad for the environment. You’re heating/air conditioning a whole living space but just for one person
Girl: I’m not going to go out with you
Me: So you hate the planet?
Imagine the Gilmore Girls discussing which wire to cut on a bomb.
My oldest made us all breakfast this morning, then got mad when his little brother didn’t finish the meal he had worked so hard to create.
I think I’m on to something here…
I know my computer doesn’t have a virus because I’ve never had an 8-bit skull and crossbones pop up onscreen laughing.
When I count my blessings, I count you twice, subtract 4, multiply by 8, and divide by 15 because I don’t know how math or blessings work.