Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
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MOM: I don’t care how old you are, you’ll always be my baby
ME [being passed around by her friends to hold] ok but this is weird, I need to get to work
My Grandma saw all of your tweets about stepping on Legos & asked if any of you cream puffs have ever heard of a game called Jacks?
My husband said we need to have an important talk, and guess what it was about? Time Travel. 👍🤣❤️
Me: Please can you get my iPad in the lounge?
5yr: I think you should poo without it. I just play with my fingers and sing and stuff…
Dear Lord..
Nice Confederate flag bro, way to commemorate coming in second place in a civil war.
[eating paste]
Here’s what I think…
geese are just mad that we refuse to buy insurance from them
me, in hell, wondering when my punishment will begin: i sure hope it’s not painful
the devil walks in & hands me a phone: your mom is on the line, you need to explain how to get her printer to work
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
Working on microwave salmon popcorn for people to use on their last day at a job.
serial killer: [gently knocking on my bathroom door] you…you ok in there?
WATER POLO INSTRUCTOR: “Are you sure you know what you’re doing?”
ME: [Adjusting the mask & snorkel on my horse] “Of course I do.”
me: I’m doing marathon training
friend: that can really help you in the long run
me: I know what it’s for
Heads, you give me your phone number, tails you go on a date with me.
*flips coin into ceiling fan, it’s knocked out a window into the sea*
Direct deposit: $1400
Me at Dollar Tree: I’ll take 1400 trees
Me: *yells something
Wife: I can’t hear you
Me: *whispers something under my breath
Wife: I heard that!!
#dnd #ttrpg
Surprise parties are great. Depress your friend by pretending to forget their birthday, then terrify them briefly
Lately I’ve been really honest with people and so far only 47 people are mad at me
I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
my personal injury lawyer: *confused look*
me: ANSWER ME, ARE YOU SEEING OTHER CLIENTS OR NOT
Sorry babe when you said “let’s go for a run” I thought you meant for coffee, not actual exercise and that’s on me
4-year-old: What happens if I throw up in the red shoe bin by the door?
Me: Why is your question alarmingly specific?
4: No reason.
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
Doctor: “…Oops.”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
Amazon is a $250 billion dollar company that reacts to you buying a vacuum by going THIS GUY LOVES BUYING VACUUMS HERE ARE SOME MORE VACUUMS
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
Don’t let him know you’re a hologram. Don’t let him know you’re a hologram.
Interviewer: You’ve got the job!
*extends hand*Me: Dammit
Husband: What’s up with the notepad taped to your arm?
Me: It’s so I don’t forget to write down my tweet material.
H:
Me:
H: I think it’s time to take a break…
Me: Ok, I’ll miss you but I support your decision.
H: …from twitter