I can’t lose this last 20 pounds so I’m just telling everyone that I’m pregnant now.
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Turns out Leaf Blower Guy, my neighbour of 10 years, knows my actual name so I guess I’m left with no choice but to do the adult thing here and find out his by stealing his mail.
[spelling bee]
Your word is “spider”
Can you use it in a sentence?
“A spider has eight eyes.”
[kid smiles]
Spider. S-P-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-I-D-E-R
*Poltergeist tosses dishes out of the cabinet, rips the chandelier from the ceiling, pulls and severs the WiFi router from the wall, then screams like a banshee as it flies down the hallway*
13 Year Old Son: I’m bored.
i gotta figure out some insane rules for my kid that she doesn’t question until she gets older. “no pink lemonade in this house. it’s unnatural” and she’s like right of course, lemons are yellow, it’s unnatural. then decades from now she’s in a college dining hall like Wait What.
If I like you I keep you close, if not I keep you at a distance so I can mime squishing your head between my thumb and forefinger.
Wife: There is something wrong with you
Me: What a thing to say just before our dog’s first salsa lesson
My elbow watching me do a full skin care routine on my face.
The worst part of being named Michael is repeatedly being broken up with via a text that states *drops Mike*
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
All my money goes to the poor…poor me.
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed
WIFE: Did everyone at work enjoy the cookies I baked?
ME: [pretending I didn’t eat them all on the drive in] WHATS WITH ALL THE QUESTIONS?!
I just want to have the poker face of a toddler that tells you that they didn’t poop their pants.
Snoring doesn’t sound like little honk shoo honk shoos and I feel like I’ve been lied to my entire life
[Burping a baby]
Me: “I never should have eaten this baby.”
A friend wants me to be friends with her friend. I now have one less friend.
“Just because you can’t dance, doesn’t mean you shouldn’t dance”
-Alcohol
Carl: “It’s chilly out.”
Me: “Tell me something I don’t know.”
“Two dogs were hanged during the Salem witch trials.”
“Fair enough, Carl.”
At my age, “you shook me all night long” sounds like a complaint.
[little snake covering himself with glue before school so his crush will think he started shedding]
you’re opening a chip bag and it goes great except for a tiny tear and it seems fine but then the rip starts to get bigger and you’re worried you won’t be able to seal the bag and it keeps going and the entire bag is split open and it continues until the earth fully bifurcates
Having kids is like continually cleaning up after a huge party that you didn’t attend.
Sometimes I think there is no hope for us 🥴
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
I received my first order from Imperfect foods, and let me tell you, I’m 100% satisfied.
“Nice to meet you. What’s your real name? Want to see my dick?” – Every Kik convo, ever
Making reservations for one at a fancy restaurant because every now and then, I like to be wined and dined before I take advantage of myself
“You can check out any time you like, but you can never leave.”
“But after that I’m not responsible for any more room charges, correct?”
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
I shouted “the blue Subaru with an Obama sticker left its lights on!” at Mt. Bachelor and had the *entire* hill to myself for an hour