I keep people from talking to me by picking up leaves off the ground and eating them.
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Right now, I need a Transformer that can turn into a blender that’s not broken.
I’m in a bad mood right now so I’m hoping to hear some good news about something bad happening to someone I hate.
Exercise workout videos always have the person smiling. I would rather have a video where the lead person is complain cussing the whole time and saying things like Why are we doing this? This is horrible.
[1st day as a dr]
macgyver: nurse i need two bobby pins and a rubber band
nurse: ahh we dont have those
macgyver: jesus christ then a cup of goats milk and a used battery
nurse: umm how about a scalpel?
macgyver: *rubs forehead* damn thats a long shot but it might just work
Married conversation is like regular conversation except you’re both brushing your teeth.
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
Don’t try to out-awkward me, I once told a blind man he had a good-looking dog
Today, the problem with young people is they’ll never have the joy of running into their seventh-grade math teacher behind an orange plastic curtain rummaging through the adult section at the video store.
Cop: Ma’am can you describe the panty thief?
Her: White male, early 40s, overweight
Me from the closet: Husky, I prefer to be called husky
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
Someone tweets “pizza,” I want pizza.
Someone tweets “donut,” I want a donut.
Someone tweets “kale,” I want pizza and a donut.
If Mona Lisa was on Instagram
Being an ipad baby must be soo exciting imagine going from nine dull months in the womb to playing candy crush
My mom loves telling people that I practically raised myself. I used to think she was proud of my independence, but now I realize she’s been distancing herself from blame.
*listening to the neighbor’s kids screaming outside*
“I know right it’s terrifying GET INSIDE!”
after i eat lunch there’s a 1-hour window where you can convert me to any religion
Took my kids’ car seats out to clean them. Found a whole box of Cheerios & 2 buckets of sand.
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
The pandemic has made it nearly impossible for me to get piggyback rides from strangers, so I’m really over it.
Surprise your family by quitting your job and becoming a coffee table.
Me, to myself: you are your harshest critic and no one else will notice your face is breaking out
3: Mommy! Is that a pimple? Is that a pimple? Wow, you have so many pimples! They’re everywhere!
They add a scent to natural gas so we can smell it if there’s a leak and we’re in danger. Same reason Axe Body Spray has a scent.
Until you’ve tried to start a conga line at a funeral, don’t tell me about your drinking problem.
*Goes to the gym. Takes a selfie in front of the weights. Leaves.
Date: i love cats
Me: [trying to impress] *slowly pushes her plate off the table*
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Me: I’m really at the end of my rope
Executioner: HOW ARE YOU TALKING
What I go to Aldi to buy: Bread and milk.
What I actually buy in Aldi:
Police have arrested the World Tongue-Twister Champion.
They said he’ll be given a tough sentence.
“How am I driving?”
No seriously, how did I get here. This isn’t my car.