I am not an accident waiting to happen.
I am an accident.
Happening.
You Might Also Like
i missed therapy because i was up until 4am making this
All the pictures of me at age 20 are blurry because that’s when I was a human cannonball in the circus
Me: I’m really enjoying this disaster movie.
Him: That’s the news.
“Want to come watch the game Saturday at 8:00?”
Well I’m going rollerskating at 1:00, so yeah I should be out of the hospital by then.
Interviewer: Your resumé says your strength is confidence but your weakness is languages
Me: I think you’ll find it’s pronounced resume
Larry Hagman- dreams of Jeannie
Larry Hangman- d_ea_s _f _ea_ _ie
Wife smelled eggs and thought I was bringing her breakfast in bed. How do I tell her it was just me with gas?!
Someone in South Korea accused North Korea of having assassination squads.
That’s a lie.
On an unrelated note, I need that guy’s address.
Making homemade peanut butter isn’t as hard as people make it out to be if you just pre-chew the peanuts first.
For more helpful cooking tips follow my blog “Tell Me She didn’t Really Just Do That”.
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
Shaved my legs for the 1st time in forever today. It was like taking a bulldozer to the rainforest. Birds flying out, villagers scattering.
When they bring the bill at the bar and you’re too drunk to count😂
{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
*invites cute girl over for dinner. Orally de-bones a whole chicken*
Dreams won’t chase you back, but Canadian geese sure as hell will.
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
Her: Even if I was trapped on a desert island with you, I still wouldn’t have sex with you.
Me: You’re thinking about sex in that situation? What is wrong with you? WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO FOR FOOD, BRENDA?
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
“Our squadron handled the ovoid sports biscuit with great aplomb!”
-British fans of American football
Cop: How much have you had to drink?
Me: 24 glasses of milk
Cop: Milk? Why were you driving so erratically?
Me: I was hoping I’d get pulled over so I could brag
If any of my neighbors end up being serial killers, I can tell you one thing for sure: When I’m interviewed by the local news, I’m not going to say, “He was so quiet and kept to himself. I never would’ve suspected him.” I’ll be like, “People are garbage, so I’m not surprised.”
[lost at sea]
Me: *sees giant shark* yeah, we’re gonna –Movie nerd: NEED A BIGGER BOAT?!
Me: – die.
Parents, make your children study or they will end up on twitter trying to sell you something
Animals who have bright colors and patterns in the wild are considered dangerous and shouldn’t be messed with.
*Updates work wardrobe to bright, loud colors and patterns*
[Rappers job interview]
Boss: What is your biggest weakness?
Me: My rhyme game is weak. I can’t speak. I’m a geek. Birds have feathers.
[shooting a bow & arrow in the library] i’m allowed to do this because it’s quiet
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
my boss said “why is your shirt untucked” and I said “bc my pants are tucked into my shirt” and now i’m the sales manager
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
The years 2045. 90s kids are old &wrinkly. Grandma tosses seeds to pigeons “Go insane go insane throw sum glitter make it rain” she whispers