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I once put a baby in adult clothing and placed him on my desk with a water bottle labeled “fountain of youth” right next to him.
Based on the rate of sagging pants, it is predicted that by 2017, people will just pull their pants behind them with a rope.
Get your relatives speaking to one another again by sending a heartfelt Christmas card with a picture of your family with an extra child nobody knows.
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
(Teen Jesus Season Finale)
*TJ gracefully ascends into clouds*
*everyone is in tears*
*Mary M gets a txt*
TJ (txt): high af rn
When I get the vibe from someone that fitting in is super important to them my first instinct is to bite them.
[2 T-Rex’s getting drunk]
“I’m wasted.”
“Me too. You know how bad?”
“Don’t say it again.”
“I can’t feel my face.”
“Goddammit, Kevin.”
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
My corpse will likely be too lazy for rigor mortis.
Three things you should not watch being made are sausages, laws, and your little brother.
BANK TELLER: you鈥檙e an awful robber
ME: i鈥檓 not sure how to take that
BANK TELLER: exactly
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
Every time I find a new gray hair I text my mother to tell her I鈥檓 calling it one of the many grandchildren names she passive aggressively suggested to me over the years.
There’s no limit to a child’s imagination? My 2 year old is yelling at me for taking too big of a bite from her pretend sandwich and she can’t make another one because we’re all out of pretend bread.
If you are rude to me & then you have the tenacity to ask me to buy Girl Scout Cookies from your kid-I’ll take 50 boxes of Thin Mints please
[Town Meeting]
Criminal Profiler: Everything we know about the killer suggests that it’s a male, unable to resist even the smallest of provocations, and that he does a pretty mediocre impression of Frasier
Me: [Stood at the back] Mediocre? How dare you! I AM WOUNDED!
There once was a poet on Twitter
who grew increasingly bitter.
He couldn’t surmount
the strict character count
and so his poems got even shi
Ever notice when you need to delete a phone app and you get the icons jiggling? They seem all panicky about who’s getting cut from the team
I rode around the block on my bike for the first time in years and now I understand why Lance Armstrong took performance enhancing drugs.
This aging app is really getting people’s hopes up that the world will still be here when they’re old
My mom: you’re an adult and you need to start acting like one!
Also my mom: what do you mean you don’t want an Easter basket this year
Of course divorce is expensive. The price of freedom has always been high.
A man rejecting my advances can鈥檛 hurt me. I have a dog who leaves the bed every time I climb in.
A girl called me “sir” today and I was so angry I took off my suit of armor and stormed out of Medieval Times.
*Addressing the crowd that just watched me take 23 moves to park my truck*
ARE YOU NOT ENTERTAINED?!
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
When I see how idiotic people can be, I get jealous of Darth Vader’s force choke ability in those exact moments.
Learning karate in case I’m ever attacked by cinder blocks and wood planks.