@_elvishpresley_

*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME

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@IndigoCheese

Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.

@seamussaid

if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver

@UncleDuke1969

Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?

@iliezabeth

ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail

@Izianikapani

Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.

@xosm

Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes

@FunnyBison

CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…

@HomeWithPeanut

[Cave, present day]

Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible!

[Cave, thousands of years ago]

Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
What the…KIIIIIIIDDDDS!

@PMTheron1

How much for the best friend?

Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.