Lost my first follower today. Funeral is Tuesday. Will be live tweeting. It’s what he would have wanted.
*standing in front of my girlfriend’s house, holding up boombox above my head* HEY CAN UR DAD FIX THIS FOR ME
You Might Also Like
if the neighbor kid is driving you nuts practicing saxophone you can complain or teach her Careless Whisper – maybe be a problem solver
Mrs. Potato Head: OH MY GOD!
Mr. Potato Head: What?
Mrs. PH: Your browser history.
Mr. PH: I can explain!
Mrs. PH: TATER TOTS YOU PERVERT?!?
ME: can u pick me up in ur claws
DRAGON: go AWAY dammit
ME: can u just put me in ur mouth pls—I wanna look out from ur teeth like im in jail
Pandas, skunks and zebras are the oldest species on Earth, dating back to long before colour was invented.
Using the toilet on the airplane means I’m certified to teach yoga now.
Body: so tired
Brain: can’t sleep
Body: okay then, let’s pee every 15 minutes
CREEPY TWINS FROM THE SHINING: Come play with us. Forever.
ME: *voice fading as I run down the hall: I have commitment issuuuuuuuues…
[Cave, present day]
Archeologist [Finding a cave painting]
Wow! This is incredible!
[Cave, thousands of years ago]
Caveman [Finding paint smeared on wall]
How much for the best friend?
Manager : Sir, we’ve been through this, our cashiers aren’t for sale.